If infertility is akin to getting a fatal disease diagnosis, then it stands to reason that we go through the same stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I first learned about them after my miscarriage and flitted back and forth through them, constantly and then with less frequency. I had thought that I had pretty much made it through. But, I am coming to know now that even six months after my miscarriage and two more unsuccessful IUIs, I am not finished with them.
Currently, I’m experiencing anger – it even seems as if I am feeling real anger for the first time, I think in part because before, I had no specific person or thing to be angry at. I don’t believe in God, so I can’t be angry at Him. I was never angry at Dr. Uterus – it’s not his fault that we had a miscarriage. I’m not angry at Sweetie. I know that what happened to our baby was no one’s fault.
But still, I’m angry. I’m angry because my best friend is pregnant, I’m angry that she feels as if I am damaged goods and couldn’t handle the news for a while, I’m angry that I probably am damaged goods and couldn’t have handled the news for a while, I’m angry that none of our friends really knows or understands what I’m going through, I’m angry that I don’t feel like my parents understand how difficult this is for me, I’m angry that I can’t find some way to feel better about all of this, I’m angry that got dealt such a shitty hand on this. I’m just angry.
I know this is irrational anger, but I also know it’s what I’m feeling and dismissing it as completely irrational won’t solve anything. How do I go stop being angry? My rational half knows that it is about letting go and accepting (as we are told to do) that this is the way it is. And to do that, I know that there’s not much I can change about others – I can only change myself. I can find people who know what its like to go through this, I can recognize that my parents may not be able to give me the support I need and that’s ok, and I can recognize that my best friend tried for a year and a half to get pregnant and wants this very much.
It all still hurts, though. Does it ever stop or does it just ache less?