I still have the sonogram pictures from our first few scans when I was pregnant. They are tucked away in a little journal in the third dresser drawer to the back left under my shawl collection along with the hospital bracelet from when I had the D & C. One picture even has the little baby with the word “baby” written next to it by the sonogram tech and the printout of the heartbeat. I still can’t really look at them. It just makes me feel cheated all over again. At the same time, I cannot bring myself to get rid of them as that is the only tangible measure of success that we have right now.
Soon, though, we may have new pictures. Assuming we make it to the embryo transfer, we will have pictures of our embryos. I know that many couples who go through IVF keep pictures of the embryos, perhaps as momentos to show their children. (I’m trying to imagine what I would feel looking at a picture of myself in the embryonic stage. It would probably be just as creepy to see myself at 5 weeks looking like a blob)
When we decided to go to IVF, I knew immediately that I couldn’t keep the pictures of our embryos that are transferred. When I told Sweetie, he was completely behind me. We both know how tempting it would be to give those pictures life that they may not get and how much harder it would make it if things didn’t work. It also takes a lot of pressure off during the 2WW. I like to practice visualization and I know I would be picturing those little blastocysts popping around looking for that perfect place to burrow. If they didn’t implant, I know that I would feel even more devastated than with a plain negative pregnancy test.
So, we’ll know how many embryos are being transferred and we’ll know their quality, but that will be all that we want to know (or see).