I haven’t been to the appointment yet. No new news. I just need to blow off some of these thoughts.

** Spotting Watch – nothing really overnight, dark brown this morning. **

image: dieselbug2007I totally rocked the verbal portion of the SATs when I was in high school (math, not so much). I was particularly good at the analogies. I had a particular gift for the subtleties that are involved in these. With this scare and the memories of my last miscarriage resurfacing, I was struck by my own SAT-esque analogy about trying to get pregnant:

Trying to have a baby is like dating.

Here’s the thing. You meet someone for the first time, you’re interested and you think, this is going to be pretty easy. You begin to reveal yourself and slowly open your heart to the person. Sometimes, this happens with little drama and the person accepts your heart as it is with all of its flaws and quirks. Other times, you aren’t so lucky. The person stomps on your heart, and makes you generally wish you hadn’t even started the whole process.

If you are one of the legions to suffer infertility, it would certainly seem like you are already destined to start heading down the second road. That road is cemented when subsequent pregnancies have complications, or worse, ends in miscarriage or still birth (with or without infertility preceeding it). As much as infertility, experiencing a pregnancy that does not end happily is, as far as I’m concerned, the equivalent of getting your heart stomped on.

But, as humans have realized and written about for millenia, you have to put it out there, you have to try, otherwise, you will never even have a chance at the happiness that could result.

There is the inclination, however, to retain some of your heart the next time around to try to prevent the full effect of a subsequent stomping. I have definitely tried to do that here, but I can’t help but miss the full effect of letting go with the innocent assumption that you will be caught while you are falling.

image: Vicki’s Pics

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