Calliope over at Creating Motherhood has a beautiful post today making today a day of remembrance for all of us who have lost in life. Her timing is unfortunately perfect as I wait for what would have been our baby to leave the inner sanctum.
Here is my remembrance.
I should have a beautiful four month-old baby right now. It would probably have been a boy if there had been no Turner’s. Maybe I would have gotten the hang of breast-feeding by now and we would be settling into a nice routine. Maybe I would have started back at work, if only part-time. Instead, the room where the nursery should be is still filled with boxes that have no where else to go and the guest bed. The room is dark, unused and neglected.
I should be celebrating a second pregnancy right now, too. Instead, I’m waiting for a natural miscarriage and feeling particularly crampy and cranky.
I cannot verbalize my thoughts to the babies that we have lost here. They are kept locked away, deep inside where they are safe and looked after. But, I do remember them in a tangible way.
Shortly after my first miscarriage, I looked for a piece of jewlery that I could wear that would remind me of our little one. At La Belle Dame, I found the perfect necklace. It brought me a great deal of comfort as I knew that whenever I wore it, our little one would be close to my heart. I wore it a lot after my first miscarriage, but gradually the need to wear it lessened as my heart healed. I brought it out again yesterday because I wanted our first little one close to me as I confirmed that we were losing our second. Unfortunately, my necklace is now for two babies, not one.
I try not to think about the life that could have been. I try not to guess how old babies I see are and calculate how old our little one would have been now. I try to move on.