All or Nothing

I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of gal. Either I get all of it, or I don’t want any of it. For the boyfriends I didn’t marry (which would be all but one), I wanted nothing more to do with them. Either I’m working or I’m not, I’m doing infertility treatment or I’m not,

Either I’m pregnant or I’m not.

Spare me this in-between bull. It offends my sense of order, and more importantly, it is seriously cramping my ability to make plans in the future or to even think of the future in anyway other than with anxiety and fear.

I either want to be on the train with a first class ticket or get off of it entirely. I don’t want to be a passenger just sitting there watching other people get on and off. I want to go on my own adventure, far away from the train if need be.

And then, when I’m ready to get back on the train, I will have amassed a wealth of courage, patience, and everything else required to make the journey a truly meaningful one.

Right now, I’m in the baggage car and they can’t decide whether to let me forward or kick me off.
These past few weeks have certainly been an exercise in learning that finality is a fleeting concept. I thought it was pretty open and closed, but as Dr. Uterus kept muttering at my last appointment, “I’m reminded that I don’t know everything.” He really did look annoyed by that.
I also won’t know my latest status until Friday now. Dr. Uterus is a busy surgeon on Thursday and definitely would not be able to do the morning appointment we had scheduled. I had the option of going in tomorrow, but I’m much rather receive bad news on a Friday and have the weekend to really get over it than deal with it on a Wednesday and still be expected to function.
As far as the symptom watch goes, still nauseous (although it’s better if I eat regularly), boobs are still sore and inflated, still having mild cramping, and since Sunday, I’ve just had some brown spotting.

If there was ever a time for distraction, this would be it. Any suggestions since all alcohol and baths are completely snatched out of my grasp (again)? Short of hibernation, I think I’m just going to have to get through it.

10 thoughts on “All or Nothing

  1. delurking to offer a hug from the internets… I can’t even imagine what that ride must be like for you.

    Damn roller coaster!

  2. If you do get your ticket punched and you stay on til you get to your destination, it will be one of the greatest stories of all time.


  3. I couldn’t agree more. Give me the news, good or bad, and I’ll deal with it, I’ll make plans, I’ll reconcile, but give me the damn news so I can. How are you dealing with it, really? Have you reached a point of acceptance, one way or another, or are your emotions battling one another? The interminable waiting.

    Anyway, as always, thinking of you and wishing for the very best. Stay strong. Hugs.

  4. Oh for crying out loud, what fresh hell is this?! Best thing to do to take the heat off yourself is to help someone else. Volunteer some time, go walk dogs at the shelter, clear out your closets and donate to the Sally Ann, bake cupcakes, eat cupcakes, buy something from Ikea and put it together, run around and leave comments on blogs that encourage people, play online Scrabble, make hubby a fabulous dinner….

  5. I’m an all or nothin’ type of gal, too. How about watching some slapstick comedy movies (Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson movies always are good for a stupid laugh). Or if you want some really BAD TV distractions, you could alway watch VH1 or MTV for some of their bad reality shows like “That’s Amore” or reruns of “America’s Next Top Model.”

    In any case, just know that you’re surrounded by all your friends in the blogiverse.

  6. Wow what a roller coaster! My fahter always says maybe is such a negative answer. How true it is in this situation. Hoping for the very best outcome for you and baby. What a story you will have to tell if all goes well.

  7. All this uncertainty must be so difficult to deal with. I think I’d be exactly the same if I were in your situation – wanting to know one way or the other.

    As for distractions, how about settling down with a really good book? That way, you could perhaps escape into a completely different world for a few hours.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Like all assvice, you may look at the suggestions below and cringe. I think in times like these, fall back on the stories and images and activities that give you or once gave you joy.

    That can mean anything from rereading Ursula LeGuin to learning weaving to going to play bingo at the Moose Lodge. It can be embarrassing, a private pleasure that only you get and only you need to know helps.

    Here’s what got me through a very different kind of stress, like taking my PhD exams while working 40+ hours a week:

    Cadfael (an old Mystery series about a medieval herbalist monk who solves murders, available on Netflix if that’s how you roll)

    The Muppets (I’ve already gushed about them, but Season 2 is seriously distracting)

    Twin Peaks (no mention of pregnancy or childbirth at all, as I recall. Perhaps a bit dark for you at the moment, though)

    Stupid, stupid movies. Think Will Ferrell. Steve Martin. Woody Allen’s comedies.

    Anything in the grand old novel or quality fantasy category. Have you read Bulgakov’s The Master and Margerita, for example? How Satan makes mayhem in 1930s Moscow? Anything by Milorad Pavic or Italo Calvino? Very fun yet thought provoking, and nothing like a whole different reality to make you forget why you came.

    Anything by Michael Pollan, Marion Nestle, etc. Reading about why food should be good food is fun (for me at least).

    Stupid ideas aside, I’m sending huge virtual hugs your way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s