I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of gal. Either I get all of it, or I don’t want any of it. For the boyfriends I didn’t marry (which would be all but one), I wanted nothing more to do with them. Either I’m working or I’m not, I’m doing infertility treatment or I’m not,
Either I’m pregnant or I’m not.
Spare me this in-between bull. It offends my sense of order, and more importantly, it is seriously cramping my ability to make plans in the future or to even think of the future in anyway other than with anxiety and fear.
I either want to be on the train with a first class ticket or get off of it entirely. I don’t want to be a passenger just sitting there watching other people get on and off. I want to go on my own adventure, far away from the train if need be.
And then, when I’m ready to get back on the train, I will have amassed a wealth of courage, patience, and everything else required to make the journey a truly meaningful one.
Right now, I’m in the baggage car and they can’t decide whether to let me forward or kick me off.
These past few weeks have certainly been an exercise in learning that finality is a fleeting concept. I thought it was pretty open and closed, but as Dr. Uterus kept muttering at my last appointment, “I’m reminded that I don’t know everything.” He really did look annoyed by that.
I also won’t know my latest status until Friday now. Dr. Uterus is a busy surgeon on Thursday and definitely would not be able to do the morning appointment we had scheduled. I had the option of going in tomorrow, but I’m much rather receive bad news on a Friday and have the weekend to really get over it than deal with it on a Wednesday and still be expected to function.
As far as the symptom watch goes, still nauseous (although it’s better if I eat regularly), boobs are still sore and inflated, still having mild cramping, and since Sunday, I’ve just had some brown spotting.
If there was ever a time for distraction, this would be it. Any suggestions since all alcohol and baths are completely snatched out of my grasp (again)? Short of hibernation, I think I’m just going to have to get through it.