Before my last D&C, I was just lost. I learned on a Monday that our baby had died and had my D&C on a Thursday (of course, this time I learned on a Thursday and I’m having my D&C on a Monday – it’s almost like the eerie conincidences between JFK and Lincoln).
I had three days (since I found out Monday morning) to get used to the idea that I was no longer pregnant and we weren’t having a baby. During those intervening days, I was in a fog of grief, I was just overwhelmed.
After the procedure, I remember waking up from crying – literally crying – that I had lost my baby. I remember Dr. Uterus was there, but I don’t remember what he said. I never told Sweetie because it would just upset him. The days and weeks afterwards were so hard. But, eventually, I got better.
This time around, I had a lot longer to get used to the idea of a miscarriage and I knew fully well that it could happen, regardless of how many times we heard the heartbeat. So, while there is still much grief, I haven’t been lost these past few days.
I have a friend who lost his father a few years ago and it was terribly hard for him (as it would be for most of us). Several years after that, his youngest brother committed suicide. I asked him how he was doing and he said something that surprised me. He said he knew how to grieve this time, that it was easier because he knew how to do it and he knew what it entailed. I hoped that I wouldn’t ever had to know this as well, but now I do.
I know how to grieve, I know how it works.
I also know what to expect tomorrow. In anticipation, I have done some preparation. I hate that I will have no control over my body and who looks at it, touches it, etc, so I have done my best to make it presentable . I shaved my legs and armpits as well as tidied up “down there”. As India.Arie says, “depending upon how the wind blows/I might even paint my toes“, while watching the next scintillating episode of John Adams on HBO with Sweetie.
[I should state that the people at the center we go to are absolutely wonderful and I’ve never had an issue – it’s that I won’t be in a position to know what’s going on so this is my one real way of retaining some control of the situation. If I’m going to be naked in front a bunch of strangers, at least I’ll look good.]
I’m also on Gremlins restrictions as of midnight. Sweetie and I will probably get up at the un-Godly hour of 5:30am to be at the center by 6. I should have my cocktail by 7 and the whole nasty thing should be over relatively quickly. The wounds, of course, will take much longer to heal.