7,558

I wish I could say that this is how much we are getting in a tax refund (not even close since we aren’t getting a refund at all and are actually providing a refund to the man), but instead I have to report that this is my HCG level as of this morning. I have to lose at least 7,553 more unit-thingys before I can be “pregnancy-free”.* I did the math (well, I punched the numbers into a calculator which then did the math) and found that if the levels drop by half every 48 hours on the dot, it will take 22 days from today to get to baseline. Of course, nothing goes the way it is supposed to, so this is a wild guestimate.

I also made the mistake of looking at my records for my other D&C. A week after the procedure, my HCG was a whopping 350! Of course, the baby died about two weeks before we had the procedure, so during that time, I’m sure I did some serious dropping. In the end, it still took me 6 weeks to make it to below 5. Yikes.

Why does this bother me? Well, because even if we aren’t going to see Dr. Uterus anytime soon, it would still be nice to think that there might be a chance for an oops. As long as the HCG is up there, the ovaries are not going to cooperate to make that happen. I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about pregnancy, including an oops, but part of me just can’t let go of the notion that I should be doing something to get knocked up even if that means just knowing that I might be fertile and having unprotected sex. Besides, part of me still dreams of being able to call up Dr. Uterus and say, “Guess what?! I’m pregnant and I didn’t need you to get that way!” This is very indicative of how my day-dreams about pregnancy have changed over the years. I used to spend a great deal of time thinking of elaborate ways of telling my parents that I was pregnant. Now I fantasize about telling my RE that he’s obsolete.

I did mention to the nurse that I haven’t had a full-on period yet (just spotting) and she indicated that this usually equates to the levels going down faster. I won’t read this as gospel, but it’s encouraging. I go back next Monday morning for another draw. As a present to myself, I asked to be able to have all of my bloodwork after the D&C to be drawn at an off-site lab rather than going to the office each week and see all of the glum faces of the nurses who know what happened. So far, this has worked very well as the ladies at the lab don’t know me, don’t know my history and are extremely efficient. And, no glum faces. This and the Cadbury caramel egg I had after lunch totally made my day – well until finding out how high the level was. I think another caramel egg after dinner (which will also feature a nice Rioja from Spain) is definitely called for.

And, another benefit is that once the number goes down, maybe I can finally stop having hormonal rages (or “being pissy” as Sweetie calls it). Or maybe, I just won’t be able to use that as an excuse for “being pissy”.

*I won’t bother to discuss how ironic this is. I’m at the point of just shaking my head.

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9 thoughts on “7,558

  1. Urgh… my level was similar around then. I just couldn’t believe they couldn’t have “taken it all out” with the D&C. It made no sense to me, and it felt like such salt in the wounds.

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now. Someone really needs to write a book about dealing with “gray area” pregnancy/time after a loss, etc. It’s harder than any of the other stuff I’ve ever dealt with, but I never hear anyone really address it — and all I’ve ever had to go on were little snippets of info from quick phone exchanges with the nurses.

  2. Nothing worse than a pregnacy that won’t go away fast enough. It is an evil and constant reminder of all thing sad. You would think for all the drug they have to increase our hormones some jerk would have invented one to make them drop??

  3. Sorry you are dealing with the slowly dropping beta- it does seem like this part could somehow be medically expedited, in all fairness.

    How smart of you to stock up on Cadbury eggs before they were gone!!

    I hope by next week your beta has fallen significantly, and faster than anticipated to make up for this week’s number.

    Sorry about your “pissy” hormones, I’m finding that every part of this process brings it’s own potential “pissy-ness”- I warn people that my “edges are sharp”-

  4. I’ve had that same RE-defying fantasy. And I sometimes throw in twins, just to really make my imaginary point.

    You keep eating those caramel eggs, and doing other things to increase the sweetness in your life. That’s the best antidote for the pissies.

  5. So sorry that you are having to deal with this.

    On a lighter note, I too can confess to fantasising about informing Dr Abrupt that we’ve managed to conceive without any help from him – they normally culminate in me also telling him where to stick his dildo cam!

  6. This is a gorgeously ironic sentence; it gave me much pleasure to read: “I used to spend a great deal of time thinking of elaborate ways of telling my parents that I was pregnant. Now I fantasize about telling my RE that he’s obsolete.”
    We find the little silver linigs where we can, and you’ve got anonymous nurses, and some spotting that may indicated a faster decline. I hope that it keeps dropping faster than you’ve calculated.

  7. I really hope that number tanks quickly for you. It just sounds like torture. And you have every right to be pissy, hormonal or not.

    Caramel egg and rioja sound like a perfect combination!

  8. mrs. x, I’m just catching up on your blog and so sorry about your miscarriage and the aftermath. wishing you all the best in your healing and recovery. have to go check out your new blog. ~luna

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