My Path

I’ve never been one for the idea that each person has a destiny set out before them. How can someone be destined to be a prostitute or serial killer when someone else is destined to be a nun or social worker? It belies a certain amount of short-straw syndrome where some people are “destined” to have crappy luck while others get to live idyllic lives, and apparently the person with the crap luck has no say in it. At the same time, I don’t buy into the idea that we make our own destiny. I had no hand in being born into an incredibly stable house with lots of opportunities for education, advancement and overall growth complete with loving and well-adjusted parents.
image: maverickapollo
I prefer to think of my life as a series of paths. I may follow the one tread by those before me, or I may veer off into other directions. I may have company on parts of the journey and others I go by myself. I may choose the direction sometimes and sometimes the direction may choose me, but there is always motion.

I’ve had to remind myself of this a lot lately, though, because I’ve been having a hard time with the fact that there are those who got pregnant around the same time that I did and they are still pregnant. I feel angry that I can’t continue that journey, I feel embarrassed that I somehow failed the test, and I’m annoyed at that sneaking little voice that asks, “Why her and not me?”

I’ve answered this question before, but apparently I have forgotten the lesson because I still seem to be asking it. So, I’m trying a different tactic this time around. Whenever I feel that question coming on, I just remember that her path is not my path. I may not know where my path will take me, but I do know which one is mine.

And for better or worse, my path right now doesn’t include being pregnant. It does include having a Diet Coke, eating bleu cheese at lunch, gardening this morning and looking forward to a glass of wine this evening. And, I’m getting better at enjoying these things for themselves and not dwelling on what being able to have them means. Because, dwelling on it doesn’t change it and never will.

It also feels so good to give myself permission not to dwell on it either. It frees me up to think about other things, dream about other things, and actually enjoy life. And you know what I did today? I laughed, out loud. It seems like it’s been so long since I did that – a genuine, joyful laugh.

And it felt really, really good.

13 thoughts on “My Path

  1. How wise you are-
    I broke down the other day and bought a grief book (despite the fact that I’d taken out a dozen grief/loss/miscarriage library books and returned them, unread). I thought maybe if I had the book, owned the book, I would not feel pressured or rushed and could open it to random pages and flip around.
    Your one post perfectly encapsulates one of the most healing things I read in this book.
    Thanks for posting this-

  2. I love those days were I can truly laugh and smile. Those days are rare, but they do happen. And when they do, I know Hubby feels it too. Hopefully we’ll continue down that path of being able to laugh and smile whole-heartedly again.

    Thanks for a beautiful post. And I hope you keep laughing, too!

  3. You have such a logical way at looking at things, Mrs. X. I’m glad that you were able to find a moment of joy and live just a little.

  4. Ditto what JP said. I read a book called “Good Grief” while in the throes of IF, and what you said here was greater-than-or-equal-to.

    I’m betting that belly laugh was a long time coming.

  5. I’ve always found that joy can be found in small, perfect moments. Life doesn’t start when you have a baby, lose weight, win that award, it starts when in the midst of suffering, you remember that life is still worth living well.

  6. Beautiful, Mrs. X! I’m so happy you had that laugh. I hope many more follow.

    I have the exact same mantra whenever I feel that “Why me?” or “Why not me?” surfacing. It’s so liberating and helpful, and it really does work to lessen the self-judgment and feeling of failure.

  7. What a thoughtful, beautiful post. And wise. It’s not close to fair, but you’re right- we each have a unique path and yours will take you where you want to go. I just feel it.

  8. thanks for reminding me of my path. although i’ve been trying REALLY HARD to be hopeful, it’s been really difficult.

    could you pass some of that bleu cheese please? 😉

  9. I’m so glad that everyone was able to get something out of my post. I really hope that everyone is able to use it going forward.

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