A Dark Anniversary

I was in the shower this morning when I remembered the date: April 16. Today, one year ago, I learned that our first pregnancy had ended while we were on vacation. I had gone to Dr. Uterus’ office looking forward to seeing how much the little one had grown, hearing the heartbeat again – and maybe, just maybe, being released from his care and into the hands of an OB for the rest of the journey.

Instead, I got a stab of panic when he found that the baby was measuring small for the time frame. It was supposed to be my 11-week check-up and the baby was measuring at 9w2d. Then, I got abject terror when he couldn’t find a heartbeat. Then, I got numbness when he said those two little words: “I’m sorry.” It was a terrible, terrible day.

I know that today is not that day, but even a year hasn’t dimmed the memory, the pain or the heartache. It is all still there, just under the surface.

image: Ashimjara

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17 thoughts on “A Dark Anniversary

  1. I’m sorry. Those anniversaries, along with the due dates, are so hard to take.

    I hope you take care of yourself today.

  2. It’s so easy to remember what we’ve lost in life. I’m wishing you a moment of peace for today and everyday. Hugs to you, Mrs. X. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Anniversaries like that are like a punch in the gut. I’ve learned that time doesn’t necessarily make things easier; the feelings are just more familiar than they were at the beginning. I hope yesterday was gentle on you.

  4. Those reminders of the days that change your life bring it all back as though no time has passed at all … sigh. Thinking of you.

  5. I am so sorry. Anniversaries really really suck. As I recover from my ectopic now I face the anniversary of my 1st ectopic- fun fun. Hang in there and let time heal.

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