Twice Bitten, Infinitely Shy

In the back of my mind, wedged in between perpetual grocery lists and new tricks I want to teach G, is the theory – that has morphed into a belief – that it is impossible for any pregnancy I may have to progress past the 9th week. I’m reminded of this when I hear of others who have made it to 12, 15, 20 weeks and beyond. It seems completely abnormal and atypical to me. There are people who can do that?, I think. Much like when I hear that someone gets pregnant without medical intervention.  You can get pregnant without an RE and an embryologist? Where is this fantasy land?

I am so far down that rabbit hole of infertility and miscarriage that my new normal now resembles most people’s abnormal. The irony of this is not lost on me. For as normal a life I have in many other respects, I am constantly reminded of how much of a minority I am when it comes to my uterus (and what does or does not happen in it). But, the farther into the struggle I get, the more perversely proud I am of myself for making it that far and still being a relatively well-adjusted, functioning person. And, perhaps, still willing to take a gander at whether the third time will be the charm. 

It’s not even that I don’t think that I’ll get pregnant again.  It’s that I can no longer even imagine a scenario where I am at my 11 week or 12 week appointment and I hear that everything looks good, is progressing and now you need to find yourself a nice, normal OB with no drama.  Perhaps this is my defense mechanism to help shield myself from the pain, or the ultimate in pessimism, but I can honestly say that I cannot even envision it, much like people could not imagine a man on the moon or flight. 

But, these things did happen. After many attempts and many failures. The question, then, is am I willing to keep going knowing that eventually it may work but that failure is also probably in the cards?

image: Steve Rhodes

7 thoughts on “Twice Bitten, Infinitely Shy

  1. Nice new digs. Congrats on your independance from blogger. I have considered the move myself, but am too lazy. I do love the huge header on your old site though…

    I never even got to 9 weeks prior to this one. And I treat every week that passes with amazement and fear. New moms are always trying to give me pregnancy advise and I think – “You couldn’t possible know anything about the way I am pregnant” (the constant fear, the inevitable feeling that loss is always about to knock on the door.) There advise seems so useless. So I guess I think we don’t ever really recover from pregnancy loss or IF – at least i don’t.

    I was talking to a friend the other day who had some losses before a very rocky pregnancy and early birth. Her son made it after being delivered at 27 weeks – though she is told she can not ever have another. Even with a beautiful infant son, she says she still sees a swollen belly and wants to drop kick the lady. So in some cases, even when we reach our final destination, we still look annoyingly at that thing that whooped our asses so hard, for so long.

    I do hope the third time is the charm. I really do.

  2. Looks great! (but it’s the writing more than the look that keeps us coming back, you know!)

    Knowing what i know about infertility & loss, I’m amazed that anyone ever manages to get pregnant at all, let alone bring home a live, healthy baby.

  3. i like the new look on wordpress. i admire that you had the energy to move! i’ve been thinking about changing my template, but just thinking about it makes me want to take a nap!

    although my brain knows that i will be able to get pregnant (at least that’s what the naprotechnology doc has been telling me!) sometime in the future, i honestly can’t imagine it. i think that if i did get a BFP i would have a heart attack and die. i picture myself a mom, but not actually pregnant. i’m sure that it’s a defense mechanism, but i’m so used to not being pregnant that i’m used to getting my period every month.

    this year has many threes for me: i turned 33, i will be celebrating 3 years of marriage and 3 years of TTC. hopefully one of these threes works out for one of us!

  4. Just wanted to say I’m glad you posted the link from your old blog and the new template looks great.

    I really don’t know where I’d draw the line on treatments, but I do think it’s really healthy to foresee a future with both success and intermediate failures. I simply can’t understand women who predict only success in the future, so I think you’re right that the real question is how much you think you can go through without jeopardizing your normal, healthy life? Will you be able to ignore the downsides of this crazy trip if you make it to the finish line? I have no idea what your thoughts are on adoption or donor/surrogacy or any of the other more-invasive procedures/processes that might be worse temporarily but potentially increase your chance of quick success … but I was always annoyed when doctors would assume that after I had a real, live baby I would immediately forget the hours in waiting rooms, the invasive treatments, the cost, etc. For some people the memory of the process doesn’t fade, and it’s something worth considering.

  5. Bonjour! Congrats on the new digs! I use WordPress for my book blog and love it. I can’t remember why I use blogger for my IF blog…maybe because I was trying to keep all my logins as simple as possible and couldn’t use what I wanted on WordPress. Who knows!

  6. Congrats on the new blog! Failure sucks, sucks, sucks. Sucks that it is our new “norm.” I hope we can both change that soon. 🙂

  7. Like the look of the new blog, Mrs X! But as Loribeth has already said, it’s the writing that keeps us interested!

    I can so identify with what you write in this post. I think the longer you’ve been at this game, the more failures and losses that you’ve suffered, the more difficult it becomes to have faith that it will all work out eventually. Like you, I can’t envisage a pregnancy that continues for more than a few weeks. I miscarried at seven weeks, and my imagination simply doesn’t take me beyond that point.

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