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The letter

Yes, G, has agreed to temporarily abandon his favorite orange ball and 14-hour a day sleeping habit to say hello to everyone. Due to that whole lack of opposable thumbs thing, though, I will be typing for him. But, I am not censoring transcribing correctly whatever comes out of his slobbery little mouth.  Without further ado, may I present G:

“Hey ladies! G, here.  Well, you know me as G, but my mom calls me lots of things like “Buddy”, “Sweet Guy”, “Handsome Boy”, “Ladies Man”, “Big G” – the list just goes on and on. It is so embarassing sometimes when she talks to me like that in front of other people.  But, then she pulls out treats and I am all about the treat.  Apparently, I was so much about the treat that I left bite marks on her thumb, so now I’m learning to take the treats more gently.

The good news is that I have her totally trained on my routine: she gets up and lets me out in the backyard.  Then, she gets on her walking clothes.  I play it pretty cool until she pulls out the tennis shoes and I start panting. I can’t help it – I know I’m going for a walk when she puts on her tennis shoes.  She goes into the kitchen and gets the treats since we are in something called “training”. Whatever, I just love treats.  She puts on my training collar and my leash – for which I sit without being told to do because I am nothing if not a gentleman – and we head out the front door.

My mom is so not a morning person.  She goes so slowly when we start walking! I have to drag her down the street, especially if there is another dog around (like my nemesis Tiger the Poodle).  But, the minute I start pulling she pulls me in the other direction! No fair!  Something about walking nicely and not lunging.  And, sometimes I get to meet the other dog, but only when the other dog isn’t growling or anything.  I also get to meet people – there are so many ladies here who love to pet me! If they forget that they are petting me, I remind them.  I am cheeky that way.

We do a mile and by that time, I am tuckered.  I’m still a little overweight and I’m wearing a fur coat in the summer, so I don’t need to overdo it.  When we get back inside those other four-legged creatures in the house start getting really mouthy.  They are whiny things!  Mom calls them kitties, but I think they’re rodents of unusual size.  Of course, they get fed first – otherwise they wouldn’t shut up! I am very patient and wait for my breakfast. I like to set a good example, not that they pay attention.  I do love my breakfast though – I vacuum it up in about two minutes. 

Mom then heads to the bathroom to take a shower and I hang out in my favorite spot on the tile next to the bathtub. Sometimes I guard the shower door if I suspect there is some plot from the ROUSes.  So far they haven’t tried anything, but they are not to be trusted.  I usually snooze while she picks out what to wear – that takes soooo long. She has a closet-full of clothes and can never find anything to wear. 

Then she goes into her home office and starts tapping on a computer and talking into the phone.  I head to the guest bathroom and lay on the cool tile in the dark.  Mom said that the bathroom now smells permanently like dog.  I’m a dog! Of course it’s going to smell like dog! Sometimes I wonder if she’s the sharpest Crayon in the box….”

Ok, Mrs. X here again. I’m going to have to shut this down for now – G and I need to have a talk about how we don’t need to share everything with the Internet.  I’ll try to get him to guest-post again soon when he’s a little more respectful to his elders (or something like that).

image: Leo Reynolds

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