A Most Peculiar Feeling

If I were you and you just knew me through what I write on this here blog, I would venture a guess that if you could sum up how I’m feeling right now in one word, it would be maybe be angry, frustrated, sad, catatonic, disillusioned, hermetic, etc.  Well, since I do know me – whether I like it or not sometimes – I have to say that the overwhelming feeling I have right now is none of these.  It is, very simply:

RELIEF.

Yep. You read that right.  I feel like someone who has been freed from prison, like a kid getting out of school for the summer, like I did after I turned in my last test, like I did after I turned in my honors thesis in college.  Relief is pouring through me like a river and it feels really good.

image: paolo màrgari

Why relief? I think a lot of it has to do with knowing that I don’t have to go back to that dreadful office today and I don’t have to wait by the phone waiting for bad news.  I’ve been untethered from the ball and chain of expectations and the future is once again mine to make.  I’ve taken the reigns back from Dr. Uterus and have the time and freedom to decide our next destination.  My schedule is dictated only by what I want to do, not by shots or procedures.  I can do heavy lifting, light gardening and easy listening. I’m foot loose and fancy free.

The minute I got that second call yesterday letting me know that my beta was back to 0, I felt an immense weight being lifted off my shoulders.  I was free of the threat of a long, drawn out ordeal that would not end well no matter how I might have wished it to be another way.  That to me was far more depressing than the thought that I had had a very brief pregnancy and it was gone. 

To a lesser degree, I’m also relieved that I don’t have to go through the anxiety of the first trimester – a time that I would not be able to have any joy whatsoever about what was taking place in my body because I’ve been conditioned to expect the worst.  Am I sad that this didn’t work? Yes, but I suspect that maybe I wasn’t as ready to move on as I thought I was. 

So, this experience is likely a blessing of time.  I intend to make the most of it.

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Thanks also to everyone who has left comments these past few days.  It is so comforting to know that there is a community out there that ‘gets it’.  I read each and every comment and felt a tiny bit better every time.  All of you have helped me and I so appreciate it.

10 thoughts on “A Most Peculiar Feeling

  1. sorry that i’ve been an absentee reader. i’m glad that you’ve found some clarity in all of this. i’m feeling quite relieved that we haven’t been officially trying for the last few months. i don’t even notice the disappointment every month when AF shows up!

    sending you big, big hugs.

  2. Oh Mrs X, I am so sorry I’ve missed your past few posts. There are so few ladies out there (you know, in the normal world) who “get to” knowingly experience what it’s like to allllmost sort of be pregnant. It’s such an extra bonus punch for those of us going through treatment, and I wish you could’ve been spared. Grrr.

    But yes, I know that relief of hitting “0” well. It’s so hard to describe to anyone who’s never been there.

    Totally thinking of you, and hoping you are taking this time to be gentle and kind with yourself. I’d say a massage might be in order?

  3. I am so terribly sorry and all I can say is that if the universe makes you have to go through another loss, let the agony of waiting to get to zero be quick. So I am glad you were at least spared that long drawn out hell, but my heart goes out to you – from a fellow survivor of 3 losses. Please take good care of yourself.

  4. I’m so glad that you have managed to find a silver lining hidden within all of this, Mrs X.

    I think that sometimes it can be a relief to step off the treatment treadmill, and to take a break from the relentless schedule of injections and ultrasounds.

    Whether you choose heavy lifting, light gardening or easy listening, I hope you make the most of this new-found sense of freedom!

  5. This tells me that you’ve really got it together. Not, of course, that this is not a huge disappointment, but that it is indeed the blessing of time, which is so precious. I very much admire you.

  6. I long for the same relief… Let’s hope I get it this afternoon! I know exactly of what you speak, Mrs. X: resolution. It’s lovely when it finally comes. You already knew you weren’t going to get what you wanted this time, but the blood draws are just reminders of that fact, esp. in an environment populated with insanely preggo ladies.

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