I have been wanting to write these past few weeks about something that is growing inside of me (no, not that something) – something that has solidified enough that I felt it was time to blog about it.
How do I say this?
I’m really beginning to feel as if I want to live childfree.
Damn, that was hard to write. Have I just thrown my IF cred out the window?
I started having these thoughts a few weeks ago, right after our FET was a bust. They brought me such a sense of relief and control, it was breathtaking – kind of like when you realize that you are off the hook from doing something that you really didn’t want to do. At first, I thought it was just a symptom of us getting back into the game too early.
But, I’m still having these thoughts. It’s to the point where I’m not really planning on when we do the next IVF. I’ll find myself feeling thankful that I don’t have children when I’m out somewhere and there are exasperated parents everywhere being harrassed by their kids. For every one kid that is truly a ‘neat kid’ that makes you think, yeah, I’d like to have one, there are ten that are such monsterous nightmares that you are thankful to go home to your empty house.
I have spent the past three and a half years with one goal in mind: to have a child. It has been all consuming and dictated just about every major decision we made. When I did get pregnant, I was overjoyed at the thought of the new life that was taking hold inside of me. When the rug was pulled out from underneath us (twice), I was devastated. I still miss my babies, and probably always will. I was also still determined to succeed and have a child, preferably a biological child that I nurtured for nine months.
But, now, I’m beginning to rethink my definition of success. Is it to have a child? Then what? We’d still have to raise the child and what kind of child will we have? Even if the child has all of our genes, they are their own person, and will probably never look, act or speak the way that we imagined. We will still have expectations and they will still be dashed – some for good, some for bad – and there will be times when we look at that child and wonder what we were thinking.
To me, success after infertility has always implied that you have a child, by hook or by crook. But, what if success is actually learning all along that this wasn’t what you were meant to have? Or, that what you want may not actually be a child? The more I think about it, it seemed as if for a while there, I wanted to bring a child into this world simply to ‘win’ the battle with infertility, to prove that I could do it. I feel as if the real reason we started trying to have a child got lost in the years that we spent actually trying to have a child.
Maybe I’m having these feelings because I’m so tired of disappointment and loss. Maybe, deep down I didn’t want a child at all, who knows. I do know that there was a time when I really wanted to make a child with my wonderful husband and raise that child with him.
Now, 3.5 years down that path, this simple wish has become a complicated path and we have had the time to really question if that wish is right for us.