It’s a new dawn, its a new day,
it’s a new life for me
and I’m feelin’ good.
If I were in your position, dear reader, and had been following my sometimes tortured decision making process on whether to seek a new RE, let alone which one, I would likely be sitting there shaking my head thinking, damn, would you just make a freaking decision already! It’s obvious that you need to so just do it!
I’ve been feeling that, too. Well, maybe with a little less damn.
I’ve realized over the past few weeks as I’ve chewed the cud of this question, that my ambivalence at making a decision is as much about fear of the unknown as it is about letting go of our past with Dr. Uterus. While our material ties to his office are no longer there, my emotional ties are taking a little longer to sever. Dr. Uterus has been with us just about the whole time and was the person who gave us the first real chance at conceiving. He saw me through two miscarriages, performed my tubal surgery, 6 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 FET and both of my D&Cs. He has rooted for us, supported us, kept optimistic for us. He’s like the coach who’s players all want to do the best they can, not for themselves, but for him. I wanted to be in his win column, I wanted to give him that victory. I wanted to hand over that infant to him so he could grin for the camera with that smile of absolute accomplishment knowing that the child in his arms came into this world because of him.
It’s hard to walk away from that, to leave that unfinished expectation on the table, to say, I’m sorry, you aren’t ever going to have my win. It’s a testament to him that I want so badly to give him my loyalty for the loyalty that he has given us.
I had lunch the other day with the friend who originally referred me to him. I asked her to meet with me to help me decide whether it was time for me to move on. As someone who has been through an even worse shitstorm than I have been (and has a beautiful miraculous 9-year old despite it all), I value her opinion a great deal. She gets it, and I am forever sad that she had to be the one of all of us to go through it to get it, but I am selfishly thankful that I have her as a resource because of it.
Her take was, it’s time to move on to greener pastures. She did understand my need to win won for Dr. Uterus, but also was able to wisely point out that this battle isn’t about him. It’s about Mr. X and I and our dream to have a child together. I know in my heart of hearts that she’s right.
I told Mr. X the other night that I had decided to interview with two other doctors in our area, both of whom, as far as I know, do not share office space with an OB. He is enthusiastically on board as he has recognized that as the one putting up with 95% of the crap, I get to have a lot of say in who puts me through the crap. Of the two docs, at least one has a shared risk program (although he is also not covered by our insurance). The other is covered by insurance, but has been described to me as having the bedside manner of an ice cube.
But, each represents a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me, yeah a new dawn, a new day. And I’m feeling good.