You Don’t Know Me

citizen_smith58Reminders that I do not, in fact, know much at all come streaming in throughout the day, every day.  I like to say that I relish the opportunity to learn something knew, but there are times when it just annoys me and makes me feel very stupid, or worse – out of touch.

My best friend who had her first child in May is an excellent example.  After the baby was born, she clued me in that she too had a blog (first something I didn’t know).  I looked at it and it was customary and usual stuff about the baby, the dogs, etc.  All of these are topics that she and I discuss in our correspondence.

But, then, other stuff starts sneaking in – politics, family, friends.  I think I always knew her political leanings, but didn’t realize just how strongly she felt about them until her post about the election.  She mentions friends that I have never met and family who I’ve never heard of.  Reading post after post, I had a dawning realization that I don’t know squat about my friend anymore.

I reached back in the vault of memories and realized that the last I heard of her friends was in college.  I can’t remember the last time we discussed politics or ideas, or anything more than just what the dogs are doing or how the baby is or how my work is going or how our dog is.  

Were we always like this?  We didn’t become friends until high school and went to separate colleges. In fact, the last time we lived in the same state was 14 years ago.  We had a lot of fun in high school, but I don’t think we ever had existential conversations.  And, what’s strange is that we could have. We could have had amazing conversations and yet we didn’t.  And I have no idea why.

So, now, we are left to discussing the A, B, Cs of daily living and there isn’t much else going on.  Distance has had a lot to do with it.  We don’t email much and rely on the phone to keep in touch.  You really don’t want to get into a political discussion when someone is on the hook for the call.  And, she is (understandably) busy with the baby.   But, will there be a time when we have a friendship that is based more on just shared experiences of the past, like sharing of ideas now?

I’d like to think so. She is a wonderful person.  She married a wonderful man who one time actually made me laugh until I cried.  We have so much going for us, but it seems like we are doomed to wallow in the mire of trifles.  I can’t ignore the fact that she is now a mom, which is probably the most amazing thing that has ever happened to her, and I have no way of relating to that whatsoever. 

Perhaps the hurdle is mine in thinking that I couldn’t have any claim on a discussion other than about a baby.

image: citizen_smith58

5 thoughts on “You Don’t Know Me

  1. Ah, it’s rough when you see the connections, yet they.just.don’t. happen. I hope you get to break some ground with your friend. You sound ready…maybe she isn’t?

    Lordy, do I ever understand the IF treatment polka of good and bad possible timing. Even if my hCG weren’t crawling backwards toward Nothingsville, I’d still wonder if a late Dec stim would be worth it.

    I hope the challenge shows you’ve good oodles of eggs and time, and you can get back in the saddle when you’re good and ready.

    Aw, thanks for all of your good thoughts.

  2. I think some friendships lend themselves very well to to the simple activities of daily living, and never really progress past that point. While others become friendships in which you can talk about the big stuff, issues, and ideas. Some people just don’t have the capacity or interest in discussing things other than their personal lives, which is fine. But everyone needs someone that will ‘scratch their itch’ for a good discussion every once in a while, even if their ideology isn’t the same as mine. Still, it’s sad to see a friendship shift into something less than it could be, and I hope your friend can meet you halfway to discussing something other than mommy-hood. Good luck with that.

    Mrs. X: I think a large part of the equation is me looking past the fact that we don’t share the present at the moment.

  3. I can imagine how weird it is to have friend that you’ve shared so much time with yet there has been limitations on what you have shared. I have a childhood friend like that where I’ve know her forever and yet we have very little in common. We shared so much as teenagers and some through college but then her life and my life went in very different directions. Now her ignorance about IF started to show me how little we do share besides updating on basics of kids, house, job. I am hoping there are opportunities later in life where that might change and I hope that is the case with your friend too.

    Mrs. X: I hope so too.

  4. I have yet to find a fertile friend or relative who is capable of connecting to me after they have babies. They live on an entirely different planet. No longer do we have anything in common, and it is too painful for them to step into my world for even one nano second.

    That’s just the way it is for me. I hope your friend comes around.

    Mrs. X: There are some friends that you lose through this process. I hope that you have some that stick with you.

  5. You know, I’ve been thinking similar things about a friendship of mine, as well. It is not an fertile/infertile divide which lies between us, but it seems apparent now that our lives are very different from where they were when we first became so close several years ago. We’re just different people, and it seems like the friendship we have now lies more in the fact that we *used* to be close rather than the fact that we *are still* close. Such a fine line, but it makes a world of difference.

    Mrs. X: It does make a world of difference, especially when you begin to wonder if the effort is still worth it. Friendships take effort, but it is hard to find the time and the motivation. It’s so easy just to leave things as they are.

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