Moving the Goal Posts

When I ceremoniously threw out the empty pill pack for the last time and gave Mr. X a knowing wink that we were about to embark on an adventure, I did not expect or anticipate just the kind of adventure we would get.  I had the normal and customary goal: get knocked up – quickly, please – and have the kid.  Pretty simple.

Three and a half years on, with no kid (and certainly no longer in a hurry), I have had to revise my goal – and by extension, my definition of success in this endeavour.  I still want a baby, preferably one that is homegrown with our own impeccable unique genes.  But, I know now that this is a shit load easier to say than it is to do.  For me, it seems that just about anything is easier to do.  Climbing Mt. Everest would be easier (although perhaps, more expensive).

After trying for this long, I have come to realize that I can’t fixate on a goal that may be unattainable or may be so far in the future it’s not even a speck on the horizon. So, I’ve found a new goal.  It’s quite simple:

Be happy now, in spite of it all.

That’s right. Be happy, even though I’m infertile, have been trying to have a child for upwards of three years and had two miscarriages (after heartbeats, both of them).   Be happy even though there is uncertainty.  Be happy even though it is a struggle.  Be happy even though that is the last thing that I want to be sometimes.

I don’t want to look back on my early 30s – regardless of what happens in the future – and feel like I wasted it waiting for something that may or may not come.  Yes, I am waiting to get pregnant, but I am not waiting to live either.  I want to be able to point to concrete things that I accomplished and did in these years and not view them as solely being The Infertile Period.  I’ll remember that when I’m tempted to chuck this plan where the sun don’t shine. 

If living well can be said to be the best revenge, then for me, being happy inspite of being infertile and a recurrent miscarrier is the best success. 

6 thoughts on “Moving the Goal Posts

  1. I think you are quite right. And brave. And I so hope you do get to be happy, on your own terms, and live wonderfully.

    Mrs. X: and I hope the same for you, my dear.

  2. you’re a very, very wise woman.

    i think your post tonight has given me a kick in the pants — and i’ve needed one for a little while.

    perhaps i’ll have to borrow your goal for my yoga meditations. if you don’t mind…

    Mrs. X: just for calling me a wise woman, you are free to use my goal in your yoga meditations. 🙂 And, consider yourself kicked.

  3. You’re right, at some point happiness becomes a decision – incorporating that decision is the hard part.

    Not completely unrelated, but what’s with the itty-bitty smiley face in the top right corner of your blog? Is it a subliminal message of happiness??? I just noticed it!

    Mrs. X: I see no smiley face. Hmmm. Very strange. At least it’s not a frowny face.

  4. I’m making the call this morning to make the starting appointment with our RE to move to shots. This is a pretty big deal for me (getting over my fear of needles, getting over my feelings that this should be easy…).

    Thanks for the reminder that reaching a goal isn’t enough to make us happy, we have to be happy in the journey. Especially when the path is rocky.

    Mrs. X: best of luck on your new path. I don’t know about you, but I always get a boost when I make an appointment like that – I feel like I’m starting a new chapter.

  5. Living WITH infertility and THROUGH it are two different things. For the most part, only those who are forced to remain childless and/or those in IF purgatory ever have to figure out how to conquer the former. But it’s a worthy endeavor. Good luck to us both.

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