Code 83

Today’s mail brought a familiar envelope from our insurance company.  It was one of the many explanation of benefits that we have received from them over the course of this journey to procreate.  They stopped coming for a while, in a direct correlation to our stopping treatment of any kind, with Dr. Uterus or anyone else.  But, with the Clomid Challenge, they’ve started to trickle in again.  Today’s missive was different from its predecessors, though.  There were six little words at the bottom of the page that made my heart sink just a little further into its shell:

Code 83: Maximum Lifetime Benefit Has Been Met.

We have used all of the money that was allocated for us.  It’s all gone. 

I knew this day would come.  What I didn’t anticipate, however, was that I would still have no child in my arms to show for the investment.  All I have is a piece of paper telling me that they will not pay for my office visit on November 12 because, “Maximum Lifetime Benefit Has Been Met.”  It reminds me of the scene in Dangerous Liaisons, when the Vicompte de Valmont intones again and again as he is breaking up with Madame de Tourvel, – a woman he truly loved – “It’s beyond my control. It’s beyond my control.” .  He kept repeating it as she got more and more upset and the letters will keep coming intoing the same six words, “maximum lifetime benefit has been met”.  

I should be grateful that we had this money in the first place. I should not be angry that it is all gone.  I should not feel as if we wasted it because the bedroom in the back is still filled with boxes and my uterus is in no way filled with a child.

But, I’m angry that the money’s gone, I’m angry that we have nothing to show for it and I’m angry that Dr. Uterus spent it all on things that didn’t work. I’m still so angry at all that has happened.

18 thoughts on “Code 83

  1. I am so sorry that all the benefits have been used 😦 Yes, you can be thankful you had what you had, but it doesn’t make a difference because it still hurts. I’ve been paying out of pocket the entire time, and all that money… gone and still no baby. It doesn’t matter if it is out of pocket or through insurance, it still hurts to know that it was all for naught. It’s that sting, that it made no difference…


    Mrs. X: Maybe one day I’ll be able to see past the unfairness of this, but so far, no dice.

  2. I’m so sorry, Mrs X. It seems so horribly unfair that you should have been through all this and still have nothing but heartache to show for it. You have every right to feel angry.

    You are in my thoughts.

    Mrs. X: thanks.

  3. I am so sorry. That is a heartbreaker. The insurance game is just as unfair as infertility. One more harsh reality to be flung in our faces… sigh.

    Mrs. X: still, I’m glad it’s this and not something worse. This I can handle. This I can deal with. Thanks.

  4. Yes, of course you can be angry that the money is gone. It is ridiculous that we have to put boundaries on our quest to be parents for financial reasons. How do you put a value to something life changing?

    I’m sorry………..

    Mrs. X: thanks – I don’t feel as selfish complaining about how we have no more insurance coverage.

  5. I’m angry too. Is there a club for Angry Infertiles? If not, there should be. With virtual dart boards and voodoo dolls featuring pictures of the insurance companies, doctors, callous people of all kinds, and anything else evil and maddening.

    Mrs. X: we would probably make a nice mint if we opened up that club.

  6. My dearest Mrs. X, I understand your anger. It’s the same anger that wells up in my when I think too much about my insurance not covering a single penny and that I have to mortgage my future earnings to have any real hope of having a baby. Whether you never had benefits or had benefits and they weren’t enough, we’re in the same position: betrayed and told, once again, that we can’t have.

    It’s the feeling that the world is so hellbent against you, that you have to work and work and fight and fight without even the satisfaction of a second’s acknowledgment.

    I want to say that I witness your anger, that I share it, and that I wish things weren’t so fucking stupid. I don’t even open most of those envelopes (our insurance sucks the biggest of all donkey balls) anymore, because of the anger.

    Mrs. X: thank you for reminding me that even though someone can tell me no, I don’t necessarily have to hear it.

  7. Ugh. Don’t those insurance people want to do everything they can to create more little people to suck dry – I mean insure? Haven’t they realized the implication of the maximum lifetime benefit on reproductive help???

    Mrs. X: I guess the thinking was it would only take X amount and then you should stop trying.

  8. I’m so sorry. You have a right to be angry… very angry. I can’t stand to think that procedures like abortion and prescriptions like Viagra are covered but our procedures are not. It’s just not fair. And although they are “doing the best they can,” I also become angry with doctors who waste money on procedures and protocals that have less than 1% chance of success.

    It’s all such BS. I’m so sorry.

    Mrs. X: the problem is we don’t know that the money is wasted until it’s gone. That’s just a terrible thing, too.

  9. Oh, I hear you. My insurance never touched anything anyway except the “workup”, but I’ve found myself arguing with my RE over $17 bucks. I’m sure I owe them, it’s just the principal. I feel so raped over this whole business, just can’t be gracious anymore. I was completely ready to let them turn me over to collections, when my higher-than-lizard functions kicked in and realized how dumb that was….

    Mrs. X: you are absolutely right. Why should we pay for something that so many people do for free? Or worse, by accident?

  10. I agree with Shelli, this is heartbreaking…even when you know it’s coming. I’m so sorry…I know that doesn’t even touch this sort of disappointment.

    Mrs. X: thanks.

  11. I want to know who has the right to decide just how much your reproductive rights are worth. How do you come up with a number & say, “If they haven’t done it by $X, they don’t deserve a child.”?!?! Is it arbitrary or do they have an actual way to figure up what giving birth to a child should be worth?

    This frosts me.

    I’m angry for you.

    Mrs. X: thanks for your words. I don’t feel as guilty now about complaining.

  12. I remember what it felt like when my insurance company denied IF coverage the first time I requested it. I literally felt as if they were trying to steal my dream.

    So sorry. I know how much that sucks.

  13. UGH! That’s so upsetting and I am so sorry about this. I was just thinking tonight how angry I am about so many things and people in this journey and there isn’t really a good way to release it. This is just really a smack in the face to get that notice and still not have what you want. It’s so wrong and I totally know the anger you are feeling.

  14. I feel ya. We’re in a no-IF coverage state and everything has been out of pocket. It hurts to pay for what everyone else gets for free, plain and simple.

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