Today’s mail brought a familiar envelope from our insurance company. It was one of the many explanation of benefits that we have received from them over the course of this journey to procreate. They stopped coming for a while, in a direct correlation to our stopping treatment of any kind, with Dr. Uterus or anyone else. But, with the Clomid Challenge, they’ve started to trickle in again. Today’s missive was different from its predecessors, though. There were six little words at the bottom of the page that made my heart sink just a little further into its shell:
Code 83: Maximum Lifetime Benefit Has Been Met.
We have used all of the money that was allocated for us. It’s all gone.
I knew this day would come. What I didn’t anticipate, however, was that I would still have no child in my arms to show for the investment. All I have is a piece of paper telling me that they will not pay for my office visit on November 12 because, “Maximum Lifetime Benefit Has Been Met.” It reminds me of the scene in Dangerous Liaisons, when the Vicompte de Valmont intones again and again as he is breaking up with Madame de Tourvel, – a woman he truly loved – “It’s beyond my control. It’s beyond my control.” . He kept repeating it as she got more and more upset and the letters will keep coming intoing the same six words, “maximum lifetime benefit has been met”.
I should be grateful that we had this money in the first place. I should not be angry that it is all gone. I should not feel as if we wasted it because the bedroom in the back is still filled with boxes and my uterus is in no way filled with a child.
But, I’m angry that the money’s gone, I’m angry that we have nothing to show for it and I’m angry that Dr. Uterus spent it all on things that didn’t work. I’m still so angry at all that has happened.