A Thousand Points of Light

One of the more important differences between Dr. Salsa’s methods and those of Dr. Uterus is that Dr. Salsa places a great deal of emphasis on the holistic and mind/body connection aspects of infertility treatment. He was the one who really recommended that I try acupuncture.  He asks how you are doing emotionally as well as physically.  He gets it and that’s been a welcome change.

flickrolfThere was a time, not that long ago, though, that I didn’t put a whole lot of stock in alternative medicines and theories.  It was a big step for me to start acupuncture.  Still, even after this long road, there are still some aspects of alternative and holistic medicine that I have trouble accepting.  I had one of those moments as I was being impregnated with my two embyros on Monday and Dr. Salsa instructed me to begin talking to them as they were heading down the catheter.  I cheerily agreed because the man had delicate implements in delicate places, but my inner cynic said no way.

It’s not that I didn’t want to do the absolute most to ensure that this works.  It’s that I didn’t want to start thinking about those two little blastocysts as people. Not yet. Because, if neither of them decides to stick (ha) around, then I will mourn them that much harder.  This is precisely why I didn’t want blastshots of the embryos from my previous cycles.  I knew that I would begin to project all manner of human characteristics on them so that should things go awry – and let’s face it, with me that always seems to be the case – it wouldn’t be as hard.

Luckily, I had an alternative that while recognizing the life potentially taking hold of me, didn’t elevate it to the status of personhood that would have required me to have a non-stop conversation with my uterus. 

jesse-gardnerDuring my pre-transfer acupuncture session, the acupuncturist gave me a pep talk of sorts to get through the two week wait.  She warned against the effects of worrying and offered alternatives to allowing myself to get mired in it.  One alternative involved a visualization technique but with a twist.  Should I feel that worry coming on, welling up inside, I should imagine those two little blasts as points of light that grow stronger and stronger with every deep breath and feeling of relaxation.  Kind of like little headlights in my uterus that instead of dimming, get stronger each time the engine turns over. 

So far, I haven’t had much worrying, other than if it is possible for my ass to begin to blend into the couch. But, I have been visualizing those two little points of light and mentally sending them invitations to stick around for a while.  For now, though, I’ll leave that talking thing to the professionals.

images: flickrolf (top right); Jesse Gardner (bottom left)

7 thoughts on “A Thousand Points of Light

  1. I did the exact same thing during my cycles. It really helps and comforts.

    I’m going to imagine two strong, bright, lively sparks taking hold and flourishing and knowing exactly what to do to become future people.

    If you don’t mind, of course: I guess it’s a bit weird for an internet bud to be concentrating on your uterus. 🙂

  2. 😀 i was worried my ass would blend into the couch/bed during my days of bedrest too!

    sounds like you have an awesome acupuncturist.

    talking to the blasts seems a little weird to me too, but hey, he’s the doc, right?

    i hope all the postive vibes and encouragement (in whatever form) are doing the trick!

  3. I went to an IVF/Infertility counselor who trained with all kinds of big wigs (whose names escape me now, but I had read their books at the time….) and I told her that I was stressing about stressing. I was JUST like you and didn’t want to think “sticky thoughts” b/c it would be that much harder. I’d pretend to think positively, and I’d always ALWAYS counter it with an internal negative clause.

    She told me that research shows that, yes, positive attitude is nice, it is not going to make or break a cycle. Thinking negatively is not going to keep from getting pregnant. She went on about how all this research on positive thinking can stress out the IF ladies even more, as it did with me.

  4. aargh. I need to proof read!

    First of all, she trained under all these holistic famous big wigs, which I left out. I am trying to remember one lady’s name……Alice something?

    Anyway, don’t let the positive thinking make you crazy if you just can’t do it! That was my point!

  5. i miss acupuncture — it got too expensive and i just didn’t believe that it was the thing that was going to help me. i’m glad that you’ve found someone that you trust!

    your doc sounds awesome!

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