It’s CD 2 and I have a decision to make.
Do we take the plunge and get on the IVF calendar for June or do I sit it out another month?
I’ve found that the decision process is lot like getting in the pool when the water is still chilly. First in goes the toe, which is then immediately yanked out because the water is way too freaking cold. You stand around for a few moments debating if it’s worth it since if the toe is frozen, there’s no telling what pain the rest of the body will be in. Imaging simply jumping into the water leaves the body with chills, which does not help the debate.
But, the water looks so good and inviting. And, was it really that cold? Toe is then reinserted, this time for a few seconds hving been acclimated albeit for less than a second, before once again being extricated. It wasn’t as bad.
You get bolder. Now all toes are being inserted and the foot soon follows. Eventually, you make your way up to both feet wading in the water. It’s easier now that the legs are being immersed, but when the water gets to the bathing suit bottom level, there is that sudden whoosh of cold and you scurry back to the (now warm) shallower water. Wading process begins again, with the venturing and retreating.
Eventually, you either suck it up and go under completely or get out and lay in the sun waiting for it to warm the water.
I’m leaning toward sucking it up and going completely under. I want to feel the sense of accomplishment in overcoming my fear of the cold water and the unknown. I don’t want to wait because I’m too apprehensive about the discomfort. I don’t want to put off something that could potentially change our lives because I’m scared or anxious about what might or might not happen. The excitement at the thought of once again taking positive steps toward potentially getting pregnant is beating out the anxiety about potentially getting pregnant again or potential failure. Part of this is because I’ve now survived both the negative and the miscarriage. I know that I can do it if I need to.
But, most of all I can still visualize the glittering prize. The triumphant breaking through the water after taking the plunge. Seeing the sun shining overhead.