The Un-Announcement

I have read many posts written by fellow infertiles that say what I am about to –  indeed I’ve written at least one myself.  And, very few have managed not to stick a dagger right into my heart.  Those that did manage to insert knife into tender heart were not call-outs, or insults.  The stab came from their suffusion with emotions that I wasn’t able to experience very often – utter, indescribable joy at the happening of that which seemed to be impossible. 

My problem, of course, was that it still seemed impossible for me and so I wasn’t feeling particularly charitable to the person who was able to write of joyful news with undertones of “finally, it’s my turn to get out of his hell hole and get back to a normal life” – whether they were there or not.  I still remember very, very well the bittersweetness (with a lot more bitter than sweet, I’m afraid) with which I read those words.  So, I knew that should  I ever have cause to write a post like that, I would do my level best not to break anyone else’s heart with it.*   

And, that moment has appeared to come to pass.  Wednesday brought a faint second line, Friday a darker second line and today a number: 158.  All this means for now is that I am merely paroled from this maximum security prison of infertility, but still one violation away from being locked back up again.  I will be on my best behavior, but ever mindful that I am not free and clear of the spectre of being sent back to solitary confinement. 

So, you can understand if I will not be throwing out the ‘p’ word – I can’t even bring myself to think it, let alone type it for all of the internets to read.  I will not be shouting with joy and the exclamation points are just going to have to find someone else’s blog on which to reside because they sure as hell ain’t going to be on mine.  

Am I happy about this recent development?  I don’t think that happy is the word I would use.  Happy implies that I’m optimistic about the future.  I’ve burned my hand on that stove too many times to even go near it.  No, I think the best I can say is that I am content.  Content that, at least for now, we have good news. 

I humbly ask that if you are so inclined to respond to this news that you simply share in my contentment.  Above all, please no statements that I’m going to be a mom.  I know all too well that a positive test does not necessarily equal squalling ball of infant in nine months.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled (and blessedly snarky) episode of The Young and the Infertile

* This is not to say that the women who wrote those posts woke up that morning intending to impale me.  They just wanted to share their joy and I was being (and still am a little bit of) a petulant 5-year old.

30 thoughts on “The Un-Announcement

  1. One foot in front of the other. I know far too well that a positive HPT, hell, a great beta or u/s means little when we’ve walked that path too many times.

    But is sure as hell beats a BFN, eh? So I celebrate your BFP as the positive alternative to the dreaded BFN.

    And your first steps on the path.

  2. I am terrible at tailoring my comments for the situation or making even the faintest stab at tone over the internets, so I’ll just say I am very glad to hear your news. One hurdle down.

  3. Well, I sure as hell am *genuinely* very content for you. =)

    And I will advance my positive emotions at the pace you set.

    Can I throw in a “High 5!” ?

  4. Been wondering what was happening and am exceedingly content that, yes indeed, something has been happening. I completely understand where you’re coming from and, again, am as content as a fat tabby curled up in the sunlight for you. I’ve often thought that the whole experience of infertility is an exercise in moderation after awhile….don’t let me be too excited, too happy, too miserable, too down, etc. So, yes, content is good. I’m pulling for you, as always.

  5. I loved this post, and your honesty about the feelings that faint second line can bring about. I will share your contentment and add with it a bit of hope.

    Wonderful news.

  6. Yeah for 158. Hoping that the contentment continues with a nice, doubling beta. You didn’t impale me either – my donor goes in for her retrieval tomorrow, so hopefully i’ll experience some contentment in a couple of weeks. Take care.

  7. I am so appreciative of the sensitivity with which you approached posting your news. Reading of BFPs from fellow IFers always encourages me and brings me hope. Thank you for always being so thoughtful and honest. I am encouraged by your contentment and hopeful for the continuation of said contentment.

  8. This is very promising news – I have been checking your blog over the past few days with a very good feeling, so well done for passing this checkpoint, and best wishes for the next.

  9. I just yelled “YES!” out loud.

    But I know: the next few weeks are the really challenge to overcome. That’s the way I felt it, and I know you’ll also have a lot on your mind.

    Let me know if I can help in any way. You’ll be in my thoughts, and I’ll be wishing for continued good news.

  10. While the guardedness of your response resonates too strongly for me to think it anything but wise, I am heartily delighted for you at taking this first great step along the long and perilous road of which we all hope, on some blessed day, to see the end. May you see it soon.

  11. Cautious optimism…that’s what I call it…sending prayers that this contentment shall continue, and that it is only the start of the pendulum swinging towards lighter emotions ahead…

  12. I pretty much just lurk here, but I wanted you to know that I am holding a good vibe for you. That’s it. Nothing over the top, nothing sparkles and rainbows, just one good vibe from one gal to another.

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