Every Little Twinge

I had a sort of friend in college who I used to run with sometimes.  She was a sort of friend because we knew each other and worked with each other, but we didn’t hang out that often.  For some reason, though, we ran a 10K together at some point.  We were talking about running in general one day and I casually mentioned the practice of taking pain relievers before a race so that you wouldn’t get slowed down by those nagging stings of pain that inevitably showed up at some point (or points).  She had a very reasonable (but rather smarmy, I thought) response: you shouldn’t take pain relievers so that you can know if you have a serious problem. 

Now, I can’t even think about taking a pain reliever even though my back is in an almost constant state of discomfort.  I want every damn twinge so I know that there is still something going on.  I mash my boobs every 15 minutes on schedule just to make sure they’re still tender.  If I’m really feeling masochistic (or the mashing isn’t having the desired effect), I even do a fair share of nipple twisting to make sure there are still little knives in there.  And, thank goodness I work from home. I don’t think I would ever be able to explain this in an office.

Why do this? At this point, my symptoms are pretty much the only instant feedback I have that this is real.  So, the boobs are still going to be prodded and I’m going to continue to sit in positions that aggravate my back pain because I need to feel it.  If I stop feeling it, I will assume the worst.

I do have some more good external feedback, though:  today is 13dp5dt, beta #2 = 400.  A doubling time of 36 hours.   I have a third blood draw on Wednesday.  Still content, still on parole.  Still not using the p word.

17 thoughts on “Every Little Twinge

  1. I’d be doing the same thing – poking and proddiing every few minutes just to make sure. It’s completely understandable and I hope it brings some comfort. I’m so happy for your lovely betas.

  2. Your poor bosom. It now bears the brunt of years of infertility.

    One hopes that were you in an office, you would manage to restrain these impulses…but fortunately, the world need never know :).

  3. Hey, you do what you have to do to stay sane. Should I wish you some more undeniable symptoms soon, if only to give the boobs a rest?

    Great beta! One more hurdle cleared. You can shake your fist at me, but I have a good feeling.

  4. May your boobs and back continue to ache, may your bladder need to be emptied at increasingly frequent intervals and may your sense of smell become heightened. I know its too early to get excited but I’m getting very good vibes … through the coming weeks i’ll be here for you hon.
    B x

  5. Oh my, I missed your earlier posts. Things sound good — no, they sound GREAT. I know the worry you feel, so I will just go ahead and say it for you: p-word, p-word, p-word. 🙂

  6. As one who has had several miscarriages and played the beta numbers game too many times to think about – I give you a hearty congrats on some solid and nicely expanding numbers.

    May they continue to rise and bring you much joy to come.

  7. I have finally found time to visit your blog!! (I see you on hanging at Shinejil’s place)

    You have been through so much… It sucks to have to be wary. I never felt confident enough in my body’s ability to make a baby. Even when he was born I thought it’d be snatched away. But it does pass eventually. And I hope you will have that day when you can indulge in some much deserved celebration!

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