O-Bla-Di, O-Bla-Da, O-My-God

alfarmanI had my blood draw this morning for my third and final beta and all I can say is thank God.  I actually find it more stressful to go to the clinic now than I did when we were just cycling.  Part of that is because those people insist on throwing out the p word at me and saying, “I’m so happy!”  And, they see my pained expression and say, “Oh, I know, I know, but I am going to be happy.”  I also cringe because it’s a fairly open office and I hated it when I was a patient and would overhear such protestations of joy.  I can’t bear the thought of someone else having to deal with that, too, in the one place where they are supposed to be able to get away from it.

And, with this last blood draw I thought with a certain amount of satisfaction that it was going to be a good while before they would have me back for an ultrasound.  I mean, at least not until the end of July, which would give me lots of time to mentally prepare, right?

Wrong.

Next week.  They want to see if there is a gestational sac.  This is a new one for me. With Dr. Uterus, they practically bar the door until at least 6 weeks because there isn’t much to see.  But, they also didn’t do third blood draws, so maybe comparisons aren’t as helpful here. 

I have a week.  A week to calm my self down and find that mellow spot of meditation where I can still function.  Because I have to be able to function.  Hibernation, while attractive, is not an option.  And, I need to develop a method for coping with my anxiety because this may not be the end of the road and I don’t think my body can handle the up and down stress for a long period of time.  I also don’t want to drive everyone around me batshit crazy (except Mr. X.  I’m certain that he accepted this in our marriage vows).   Any suggestions for how to achieve a zen like calm in this kind of situation would be greatly appreciated.

I could have really used them this afternoon when I had to wait until 4 to get today’s results.  They were worht it, though: 15dp5dt beta = 846.  Doubling time of 44.4 hours, which while not as overachievingly spectacular as my previous 36 hours is still damn respectable.  Progesterone = 306, and yet, I still have to shoot myself in the ass.  Sing with me, “While my butt gently weeps…”

image: alfarman

17 thoughts on “O-Bla-Di, O-Bla-Da, O-My-God

  1. I don’t have any advice for achieving a zen-like calm, but I just wanted to say that I am very glad to hear this! I hope your contentment continues. Sending you lots and lots of good thoughts.

  2. Images of broken light which
    dance before me like a million eyes
    That call me on and on across the universe
    Thoughts meander like a
    restless wind inside a letter box
    they tumble blindly as
    they make their way across the universe

  3. Unfortunately, any advice I would have to offer staying calm involves copious amounts of red wine, which in you state, would not be advised… so I will have to refrain from putting in my two cents.

    I do think I get how you feel about exuberant congratulations, especally at the fertility clinic, of all places. My RE’s office is located on the same floor as the maternity ward in a private hospital, so, well… I won’t even get in to that…

    I’m glad for your ascending betas and hoping the best.

  4. Hmmm… I never achieved zen-like calm. I achieved fabulously swift weight gain thanks to my suddenly unleashed comfort eating (ice cream, bacon, and almond croissants en masse really did soothe for a bit there) and moments suspended in distraction thanks to DVDs of bad sci-fi shows (and some good ones: B*G).

    I don’t know if this works for you, schedule- and lifestyle-wise, but retreat into inanity for a few hours a day. Seriously, lock yourself in your room with a DVD, a really engrossing book, anything, no matter how stupid. Take baths. Give yourself plenty of treats. It’s got to be engaging enough to turn down the anxiety volume, while not being so demanding that you get tense. Exercise, one of my normal salvations, totally didn’t work (my ovaries were too fucking huge early on).

    This is about temporary emotional triage here, even if it doesn’t always feel like an emergency. It will also be (ideally) somewhat relaxing, and I always notice that a high general stress level always increased my overwhelming worry, fear, etc for the first few months.

    That’s my assvice, for what it’s worth.

  5. Keep your mind & body busy, so there is no time for your mind to wander into the dark side.

    – Make plans with a girlfriend: meet for lunch or a pedicure.
    – Try making Mr. X, an exotic dinner, something you have never made before.
    – Plan a day or overnight trip, spend time researching activities & restaurants.
    – Organize a closet or your garage!
    – Volunteer to help a friend or neighbor with a project.

    This Zen blog has different “Categories”, listed at the bottom of the page.
    Maybe one will give you some helpful ideas: http://zenhabits.net/

  6. I’m with A on this one…since you can’t indulge in the normal relaxation “techniques” of a good bottle of wine, and enough chocolate to numb you into a stupor would simply be too much money to spend…I’d have to say:
    Get busy organizing and purging…you know all those hidden crevices and closets that have been lurking in the recesses of your memories…
    Take a spa day and indulge in a manicure and pedicure (stay away from the facial though…you never know if your skin will freak out at this point).
    Have lunch with some friends…throw a dinner party, start buying Christmas gifts…
    Find a totally mindless novel that will whisk you away to all things related to heaving bosoms and rippling muscles (or 12 novels if you read like I do).
    Anything that can keep your hands and mind busy and away from peeking at the Internets for anything that might pull you from contentment to utter bliss before you’re ready for it.

    I’m so excited for you, and am praying that the US will have amazingly wonderful results!!!

  7. Try to do lots of deep breathing and, as others have said, just keep busy. Watch mindless TV and movies. Read books and magazines that require only minimal engagement/concentration. Take long, leisurely walks. Listen to meditation CDs. All that stuff really helped me.

    You are doing GREAT, Mrs. X – I’m just so happy to see these good reports rolling in!!

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