Facing the Fear

I remember the wait before my first OB scan.  I was nervous, but mainly because I had no idea what to expect.  It didn’t occur to me that there might not be anything on the screen or if there was, that there might not be a heartbeat.  My naivete was rewarded with a perfectly normal OB scan, complete with a heartbeat (although it still ended up going south anyway – so much for statistics!).  The second time I was waiting for that first OB scan, I wasn’t nearly as naive.  I was also tormented with spotting which I had never had before and was convinced meant the end before the beginning.  By the time I got to the scan, I was so exhausted from worry that I wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t much to be seen

7 (Miguel Angel)So, approaching this latest first OB scan has been a study in compromise.  Should I allow myself to have even a little dash of hope?  Should I be like Mr. X and expect the worst?  I have, so far, chosen the middle ground.  Neither hoping or dreading.  Even when I started spotting last week (brown) or cramping more regularly today, I have refused to entertain that little voice in my head saying, “OMG, OMG, OMG, what if it’s all over?!” 

I do, however, sit down with it and ask, “So, what if it’s all over? What is the worst that can happen?”  And, I find comfort in knowing that I know what the worst is that can happen and I have survived it, twice now.  Ironically, whenever I think about it, I worry most about being an object of pity and how much that hurts.  But, I know that I would be ok, as would Mr. X.  We would survive as we have done before, and we would move on, although where I don’t know.  And, that by far is more comforting right now than anything Dr. Google has been able to provide. 

I have kept Dr. Salsa in the loop about all of the gory details – the brown spotting (or staining as I think it is officially called), the sudden change to reddish brown on Sunday that disappeared as quickly as it arrived, the increasing cramps – only asking whether or not I should be worried and taking heart in his all caps response, NO. 

In the end, my fate is out of my hands as it has always been and I can only wait patiently to hear what it will be. 

image: 7 (Miguel Angel)

11 thoughts on “Facing the Fear

  1. I’ll be thinking of you all day tomorrow, wishing you and Mr. X and ? the best possible outcome.

    Oh, the spotting, it’s terror-inducing. I know.

    You seem, from what you write, to have a beautiful balance on that difficult cusp between absolute fear and absolute hope. It’s really stunning.

    Have a good day today, filled with distracting reads and watches, good food, nice weather, and lots of kitty and doggy love.

  2. Sending all my good vibes and prayers your way as you and Mr. X get to the first scan…praying for peace of mind, and calmness of spirit, and for your heart, no matter the outcome!

  3. Oh, I hear ya. You’re so right. And honestly, when you get to where we are, Dr. Google usually fails to provide anything more than boring basics. Which we’re FAR beyond at this point – here be dragons. We just have to wait and hope. And not go insane in the meantime…..

    An OB friend of mine says all her IVFers tend to bleed/spot/cramp more often, not to be alarmed. If it’s light and goes away, no worries.

    Hang in there – hoping and waiting with you!

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