I remember the wait before my first OB scan. I was nervous, but mainly because I had no idea what to expect. It didn’t occur to me that there might not be anything on the screen or if there was, that there might not be a heartbeat. My naivete was rewarded with a perfectly normal OB scan, complete with a heartbeat (although it still ended up going south anyway – so much for statistics!). The second time I was waiting for that first OB scan, I wasn’t nearly as naive. I was also tormented with spotting which I had never had before and was convinced meant the end before the beginning. By the time I got to the scan, I was so exhausted from worry that I wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t much to be seen.
So, approaching this latest first OB scan has been a study in compromise. Should I allow myself to have even a little dash of hope? Should I be like Mr. X and expect the worst? I have, so far, chosen the middle ground. Neither hoping or dreading. Even when I started spotting last week (brown) or cramping more regularly today, I have refused to entertain that little voice in my head saying, “OMG, OMG, OMG, what if it’s all over?!”
I do, however, sit down with it and ask, “So, what if it’s all over? What is the worst that can happen?” And, I find comfort in knowing that I know what the worst is that can happen and I have survived it, twice now. Ironically, whenever I think about it, I worry most about being an object of pity and how much that hurts. But, I know that I would be ok, as would Mr. X. We would survive as we have done before, and we would move on, although where I don’t know. And, that by far is more comforting right now than anything Dr. Google has been able to provide.
I have kept Dr. Salsa in the loop about all of the gory details – the brown spotting (or staining as I think it is officially called), the sudden change to reddish brown on Sunday that disappeared as quickly as it arrived, the increasing cramps – only asking whether or not I should be worried and taking heart in his all caps response, NO.
In the end, my fate is out of my hands as it has always been and I can only wait patiently to hear what it will be.
image: 7 (Miguel Angel)