Infertility and miscarrige have brought many new experiences into my life – needles (oh so many needles, of all shapes and sizes);  powerful, mood altering drugs; amazing bouts of unrequited jealousy; complete lack of modesty; an apprenticeship in reading follicle scans (seriously, I am a total pro. I can guess within 1 mm); the first opportunity since grade school to use ‘meniscus’ in a sentence. 

rogiroBut, one of the less obvious, yet still devastating experiences these two harpies have brought me has been a loss of trust and confidence in my body and its ability to nurture life.  Reproductively, we certainly didn’t get off to a good start – somehow both of my fallopian tubes became blocked and had to be cleared.  I have a champion uterus, but that has meant absolutely zero since the embryos that keep implanting in it are chromosomally abnormal.  So, I can easily say that I no longer have a lot of trust in my reproductive abilities. And, it is an awful feeling.

This has become painfully clear again with this most recent try for the teething ring.  I question my body, and frankly everything about this go round, constantly – am I exhausted enough? nauseous or just nervous? what was that twinge? cramping, but not too much? spotting? not spotting red? – because if I worry about it, or so the thinking goes, then I won’t be blindsided again with bad news.   

And, it’s not just physical feedback from my body that has me on edge.  I still eye even good news – good beta numbers, etc –  with suspicion because I’ve had the “good news” before and then watched it turn very bad.  I think taking a frying pan upside the head would have been less painful than the moment I learned that my first pregnancy had ended because I didn’t see it coming At All.  All subsequent pregnancy experiences for me revolve around never getting blindsided again like that because it was such an awful, awful experience. Easily one of the top 5 worst in my life. 

So, even when today’s scan at approximately 6 weeks had no surprises, I still cannot say that relations have improved.  But, I can report one bean, measuring on target with a gestational sac, yolk sac and a fetal pole. No heartbeat detected on the screen, but Dr. Salsa didn’t try using the microphone.  I had asked him ahead of time what we should expect to see and a heartbeat was a 50/50 at this stage, so I wasn’t too concerned (and Dr. Google repeatedly told me that it would be iffy seeing one at this stage).  The gestational sac was looking more oval and elongated than round, but Dr. Salsa once again was not concerned since the angle of the dildo cam can change how it looks on the screen. 

I still don’t trust my body or my reproductive abilities, but the ice is melting. Next scan is in two weeks, when the stakes get raised (or the limbo bar gets lowered, depending upon how you look at it) again. 

image: rogiro

16 thoughts on “Trust

  1. Gah, it’s so scary to trust…especially when you’re haunted by a past such as yours.

    I’m incredibly happy that you passed the 6-week scan with flying colors. And I’m still very contented for you.

    Also, I smile whenever I read the name “Dr. Salsa.” =)

  2. Honestly, I don’t understand how you can cope at all. If I were in your shoes, I think I’d be asking to be put in a drug induced coma until everything was certain.

    You are my reproductive hero!

  3. First reaction (prompted by scrolling down all the way to the last graf–you tricky blogger!): THANK God/The Goddess/The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    Second reaction: That lack of trust will be with you for a while, I bet. Only now, can you believe it, now when we’ve finally gotten this far, do I start to wonder if maybe, just maybe my body will be good at the next steps on the horizon. It’s really sad.

    That said, the lack of trust and abundance of anxiety fades gradually. Each day passed, each milestone achieved, it lessens.

    But the next two weeks will be very hard. A mental marathon of distraction. Please let me know if I can help. (I’ve got lots more “safe” book recommendations, for example. Fun with non-fiction, mostly. Personally, I reread Lord of the Rings between the Scans of Destiny. And I worked as much as I could. There, I outed myself as a total nerd :). )

  4. Trust. Yeah. 5-letter big, scary word. I hope, I hope that the ice continues to melt for you, and you find nothing but green grass and lots of flowers underneath…..

    Hugs, Mrs. X – thinking of you…..

  5. trust is something that i have had little of for my body, so i can imagine what you’re feeling.

    i will continue to cross everything that i can possibly cross for you!

  6. I don’t see why you should trust your body after what you’ve been through. The good news (as I see it anyway) is that your body can do something right even if you never trust it again. Despite my *emotional* convictions (i.e., I will not get pregnant in a cycle in which I have a bad attitude – see how well that worked for me in all the cycles in which I had a good attitude!), I know that my utter disgust at the IF ridiculousness does not affect my medical condition. And it won’t affect yours or the baby’s either. So, anyway, I think you officially have license to be disappointed in your body, and not feel guilty about it.

  7. Ha. When I finally told my coworkers I was pregnant (around 16-18 weeks), one of them asked at what point I could stop worrying about the pregnancy. I laughed at her and said “Uh, when the kid finishes college. Maybe.” It’s better to know and understand what can happen, but it certainly makes things much more scary than exciting. And I don’t think I’ll ever really trust my body again – which is probably a good thing. I’m getting older every day, so the things it used to do are probably not the same things it will do now.

    Congratulations on a good scan – looking forward to hearing about the next one. How goes the boob mashing?

  8. I’ve been a lurker for a while and I’m thrilled to read of your news. You are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best.

  9. I just came across your blog. I have lots of trust issues…with people AND with my body too! I’ve gone thru four IUI cycles and two miscarriages and getting ready to embark on IVF #1. I don’t think I can trust my body until I can deliver a baby! At this point, it has to earn my trust.

    Keeping you in my prayers. Good luck!

  10. Fantastic news on the sac and fetal pole! I know how hard it is to trust that things are going well and it will just take each new hurdle to get more and more comfortable and confident that this won’t be taken away. Good luck and can’t wait for the next scan!

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