I have a really bad habit when something big is about to happen. I think, “oh, in x number of hours, we’ll know” or “in another hour, it will all be over.” Of course, this is only used for events that are anxiety inducing – they are not pleasant thoughts and only serve to cause more anxiety about the impending event.
This was what I was thinking as we drove the five minutes to the clinic in 6:50am cool air. I’ve driven this route so many times now, seen the same people walking the same dogs, it’s amost comforting. Almost. Because today, was no ordinary day.
Today was the 8 week scan. The scan where the stakes were raised to threat level heartbeat. Luckily, Dr. Salsa didn’t waste much time getting down to business.
And, poof, there was the little p. I could tell right away that there was significant growth since our last scan two weeks ago. And, with the movement of the wand just a milimeter, I saw the tell-tale flashing. The tiniest heart amongst us.
You will probably shocked to hear this, but I never actually saw the heart flash before on either my two previous pregnancies. Dr. Uterus’ scanning equipment was fine, but there was one monitor and it was rather hard to crane my neck to see the important stuff. Dr. Salsa of course, provides you with your own monitor on the ceiling which I am appreciating more and more each time.
He turned on the sound and there it was – wocka, wocka, wocka – like Fozzie bear. The rate measured at 167 bpm which is nice and solid. He took some measurements and everything was on track.
I also tallked with him about the big D. He gave me the name of a psychiatrist who can, if need be, proscribe me something. I also see my regular therapist on Monday and will definitely raise the issue with her as well. Between the two, we’ll see what we can do. The uncertainty level has gone down a little with today’s appointment. But, it will come back up again. We are in charted, but still dangerous waters and know that the boat can capsize still. We’re just taking it day by day.
Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. May this karma rebound to you in droves!
Yes! (Can I get excited for you yet? I promise not to use the p-word)
I am just so happy for you. Please send that good karma to me for my beta tomorrow.
Hey, dear, I’m in tears. I’m so happy to hear things went well and that you finally got to see and hear this.
I hope your therapist helps and that you don’t need the rx, but if you do, that’s cool, too. Getting help is important. Let me know if I can help by listening. I know what it’s like to have what you’ve been hoping for, yet be scared shitless and deeply blue at the same time.
So pleased to hear the news. I’ve been waiting on pins and needles!
Really fantastic news! This is quite the milestone for you.
I’m glad that Dr. Salsa recommend a psychiatrist, and that you’ll be meeting with your therapist soon. Hopefully, between the 2 of them, they’ll be able to cook up a plan to get you back to happy.
Glad the visit went well! It is wonderful to hear the heartbeat for the first time!
I hope the shrinks can help. Wishing you the best!
aw, i am *so* delighted to read this post. the sound of that tiny heartbeat is the best in the world.
Oh, my dear dear Mrs. X! A heartbeat. So wonderful!!!!
I am so glad for you.
So glad it went well! Keeping you in my thoughts
One hurdle cleared; best of luck with the rest.
OH!!! I am doing the Happy Dance for you in my living room right this very minute! I am not going to use the word yet, but I cannot wait for more updates from you.
Praying that there is something your doctors can find that will help you to banish the D word from yourself during this time…
Oh my god! Congratulations. It’s been ages since I’ve been around, but I am so thrilled to hear this news. It was the same for me, too — the baby I hold in my arms now was the first time we got a heartbeat. I know it is still such a white-knuckle ride, but crossing that bridge is HUGE and bodes very, very well.
Hang in there, lady! Don’t hesitate to reach out for all the help you need — I swear, I’ve paid my therapists’s entire mortgage myself these past few years.
So glad to hear everything is going well.
Fabulous news! Congrats on a beautiful heartbeat!
Glad to hear all is well with the hb. And I hope the psych can help you. (((hugs)))
So wonderful. I love the ceiling ultrasound monitor idea! Praying for the continued safety of the little one.