In Due Time

Normally, I’m a planner.  I love to plan.  It gives me a feeling of control where maybe I don’t really have that much control.  But, when it comes to planning for Little B, I panic with a capital P.

This is not a new phenomenon with this pregnancy.  It started right out of the gate when I was debating whether or not to pee on a stick.  As beta day grew closer, I would ask myself, do I want to?  For a few days, the answer was ‘no’.  Then, about three days before beta, I was working and all of a sudden, I wanted to pee on a stick.  As a benefit of working from home, I was able to do it right then and there.  Next was when I would take another test.  Again, I listened to myself and trusted that I would at some point reach a point that I was comfortable to take that next step.

I’ve been listening to myself about these kinds of decisions regarding pregnancy ever since.  I waited until our 15 week check up to shop for maternity clothes – and then only at Target where I would not be completely immersed in pregnancy.  I didn’t hit the big time (Destination Maternity) until around the 20 week mark because I knew that I could not handle it – and even then, it was still overwhelming.

The thing is, as the pregnancy progresses, the bigger decisions are beginning to loom larger.  We’ve been asked multiple times recently if we have begun to think about names (we’re waiting for now).  Closer to home, Mr. X has been gently prodding me to start making some decisions about the nursery.  Not only do I love to plan, I love to decorate and the thought of being able to transform a room that frankly I have really not liked ever since we moved in is intoxicating, except for one small detail.

It’s the nursery.

Most pregnant ladies, especially the first timers, would probably think that I am crazy or mentally ill, or both to be wary.  I prefer cautious.  I’ve already told him that we aren’t buying anything until the baby arrives safe and sound.  He countered with at least picking out things to which I relented.  The thing is, of all of the steps that we have taken so far, creating a nursery is by far the biggest and most permanent.  All I can think is, what if I decorate this room and make it adorable and something happens and I will be forever reminded?  Paint is a lot more permanent than a pair of stretchy maternity pants.

I told Mr. X that I’m just not ready yet to committing to decorating and he understands.  I just hope that I can find a middle ground between my anxiety and need to go cautiously and my growing desire to begin transforming that space into the future.

image: mumchancegaloot

15 thoughts on “In Due Time

  1. I totally understand you.
    No, I have not reached any of the marks you did, but I totally and completely understand where you’re coming from.
    And you are neither crazy, not mentally ill. You just had too much hurt to deal with.
    And in the end, not having the nursery done two months ahead, or whatever, will not harm the baby. You get that tiny human safe and sound back home, and you can sleep together on a rug if need be, until the nursery is done. Having the nursery done is NOT an issue. Keeping you sane is.

  2. I think this is fairly typical for infertiles. We spend so much time avoiding baby stuff, that it is a hard habit to break. Hubby and I waited until almost third trimester to paint the room, and a few weeks after that to get the furniture together. I am currently 34 weeks, and I am still trying to get the nursery together. (That is my goal for this week!) My mother thought we would never got the nursery together at all!

    All I can say is I love the internet. I worked from the Baby Bargains book, and we have ordered most of our baby stuff online. No need to deal with baby superstores. And the rest can be bought at Target or the drugstore.

    Take the time you need. It will come together. You will deal with it when you are ready.

  3. It’s OK to wait on the nursery. I can certainly understand your hesitation, and you don’t really even need a separate room for the baby for a while any way. You might want to enlist the help of friends and relatives when you are ready to prepare the nursery because if it’s after the baby arrives, you may not have any energy left!

  4. I totally get it. Even though you can easily shut the door, you can’t easily shut out the knowledge of what’s in there. I read somewhere that strict Judaism doesn’t allow baby showers or significant prep for a baby until it arrives – it makes perfect sense to me now. There are just so many uncertainties.

    Keep listening to yourself, you’ll know when you are ready; if you don’t ever reach that point, the baby won’t care.

  5. Our nursery was the former office. It only really became the former office upon our daughter’s 3rd birthday, because that’s when we got rid of the desk and computer in there. We never painted the room – it was already a nice soft yellow. We put a crib up, used a dresser we already had (a serpentine front antique from a flea market), and called it the nursery. She didn’t seem to mind.

    Take steps as slowly as you like. Plan the decorating, and accomplish it later. You will probably want the baby close to you for the first little while anyway, so give in to that desire, and set up a bassinet in your bedroom. There is no need to rush decorating. The baby doesn’t notice or care. Supplies (clothes, diapers, feeding equipment, etc.) are another matter entirely. You’ll be needing those immediately after the baby is born, so try to get past your anxiety in that forum first.

  6. I was the same way when we were waiting for E. I was hesitant to do anything to prepare for her, because it wasn’t until she was actually out of me that I really believed I’d be having a baby. We did end up painting the nursery when I was about 34 weeks along, but even that felt like a crazy leap of faith.

    If it makes you feel any better, there’s not much a baby needs at first. A few packs of onesies, several blankets, some diapers and a safe place to sleep (which may well be your arms for the first few weeks). There is almost nothing that can’t wait until a quick trip to Target once he or she arrives home.

  7. When I first started reading, I had the same thought Blanche did. There is a Jewish tradition to hold off on bringing anything baby related into the home until after baby has been safely delivered. And it’s true that little is needed in the very beginning.

    You could always make a detailed list of what you’ll need at first & send someone on a quick trip to the store while you’re in the hospital recovering, post delivery. The rest can wait.

    And for the record, you are not crazy.

  8. That makes complete sense to me. I would agree with Mr. X that it is a good idea to at least pick out a color or theme or whatever, and actually register for things. If it makes you feel better, make Mr. X go to the store and do the registry so you don’t have to deal with all the emotions.

    And definitely have some friends and/or family on stand-by for the trip to Target for the necessities while you’re still at the hospital after delivering.

    Otherwise…who cares? I mean, really, in this day and age when someone can drive down the street and get everything you need from motor oil to diapers to fresh asparagus, why overwhelm yourself??

    And as for names…we had names all lined up, and then took one look at our little guy’s face and knew that he was SO not the name we thought he’d be…and changed it before we filled out any paperwork…

  9. I’m not sure what you’re imagining for the first year or so, but you can always wait until the kid is older to decorate her/his room. If you’re hoping to bfeed, the babe will be spending most nights near you anyway. We use a cosleeper and keep all the baby stuff in our room. I’m thinking that 1 year will mark a good time to set up a separate room for our little dude.

    But everyone has to do what they feel is best as parents. Just wanted to say that you really don’t have to do anything now. Just get the absolute basics and get through the pregnancy. Email me if you want more details about what we did–and we were barely organized…

  10. Right with you. Same conversations, same reactions. The only thing we’ve decided on, with the gentle advice of a pediatrician friend, is to get a pack-and-play for the critter to live in and the best car seat Consumer Reports recommends.

    That’s it. All our planning has been in the vague still-out-there-somewhere sense, and I’m not sure when that will shift to something more concrete. I wasn’t aware of the Jewish tradition, but it makes me feel safe and not crazy – so we’re probably headed in that direction.

    I bought some maternity clothes off the “wanted” board at where I work, and the woman (a mother of three) asked about names, plans etc. I told her we hadn’t really thought about it, it’d taken so much to get to here we were just enjoying the moment. She said chirpily “Oh, just wait until you get to about 20 weeks, all that will change!” This was just last week, I’m 23 weeks as of yesterday. Still not planning, and still okay with it. 🙂

    So glad things are going well (and boring) for you!

  11. The funny thing is that I’ve had no problem with the nursery planning/decorating (painting has been in place for years, but I’m making curtains, etc.), and the gathering (so far free/secondhand) of baby gear. But there are things I can’t pull the trigger on. Like we’re still paying $40 a month to hold the second (backup) vial of donor sperm in reserve. And we had to designate flex account funds for dependent care–up to $5,000–and we decided to only designate $1,000. Which is just throwing away money in taxes (unless, of course, I have no babies to put in day care).

    So I hear you. I’m paranoid in different ways, but the Fear is still there.

    Hang in there. I think it does get better, little by little. I’ll be happy when they’re viable. And happier still when they reach that magic 32 weeks. Sigh. Long way off.

  12. Well, I can certainly relate to that thought. I just mentally prepared a nursery, knowing the places where I could lay me hands on stuff if I needed. That’s what catalogues are for and bookmarks on your browser. I’ve written how anxious I got when it came to acquiring baby stuff – good news is that when I actually had a kid – that anxiety was pretty much gone and I could shop without holding my breath.

  13. I completely understand where you’re coming from, Mrs X. I couldn’t bring myself to decorate the room we’d designated as a nursery while still pregnant – in fact, I still haven’t got round to it, even though Little Miss is now coming up to eight months old! As many others have already said, babies need very little during their first few months – love, warmth and security are all more important than stencilled borders. You may well find that it’s easier to have him/her sleep in your room in what we in the UK call a Moses basket in any event.

    Thinking of you, and glad to hear that things are progressing well.

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