This is not a new phenomenon with this pregnancy. It started right out of the gate when I was debating whether or not to pee on a stick. As beta day grew closer, I would ask myself, do I want to? For a few days, the answer was ‘no’. Then, about three days before beta, I was working and all of a sudden, I wanted to pee on a stick. As a benefit of working from home, I was able to do it right then and there. Next was when I would take another test. Again, I listened to myself and trusted that I would at some point reach a point that I was comfortable to take that next step.
I’ve been listening to myself about these kinds of decisions regarding pregnancy ever since. I waited until our 15 week check up to shop for maternity clothes – and then only at Target where I would not be completely immersed in pregnancy. I didn’t hit the big time (Destination Maternity) until around the 20 week mark because I knew that I could not handle it – and even then, it was still overwhelming.
The thing is, as the pregnancy progresses, the bigger decisions are beginning to loom larger. We’ve been asked multiple times recently if we have begun to think about names (we’re waiting for now). Closer to home, Mr. X has been gently prodding me to start making some decisions about the nursery. Not only do I love to plan, I love to decorate and the thought of being able to transform a room that frankly I have really not liked ever since we moved in is intoxicating, except for one small detail.
It’s the nursery.
Most pregnant ladies, especially the first timers, would probably think that I am crazy or mentally ill, or both to be wary. I prefer cautious. I’ve already told him that we aren’t buying anything until the baby arrives safe and sound. He countered with at least picking out things to which I relented. The thing is, of all of the steps that we have taken so far, creating a nursery is by far the biggest and most permanent. All I can think is, what if I decorate this room and make it adorable and something happens and I will be forever reminded? Paint is a lot more permanent than a pair of stretchy maternity pants.
I told Mr. X that I’m just not ready yet to committing to decorating and he understands. I just hope that I can find a middle ground between my anxiety and need to go cautiously and my growing desire to begin transforming that space into the future.