Let There Be Light

I cannot begin to express my thanks to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post – all of you helped me see that I am not alone, crazy or ungrateful because of these thoughts that I’ve been having.  Once again, the IF community has been a source of get comfort and support. Thank you, thank you.

Since Rex* was born, I have been seeing my therapist and taking Zoloft, since it is approved for nursing mothers.  But, the sadness, the feelings, all of it was still there.  So, I dug a little deeper after I made that post.  I began to read accounts of other women who have suffered PPD and found myself nodding vigorously at the thoughts that other women were having.  It felt so good to hear other women vocalizing what I had been thinking and to know that those thoughts are classic manifestations of PPD.  I finally realized the extent to which I having problems and I began to look for ways to help myself feel better.

One of the first things I did was wean myself off of pumping.  Rex has been having formula from day one, but I was also breastfeeding.  Once it became clear that he was a grazer and I would likely spend up to 12 hours a day with him attached to my boob (2, 3, even 4 would be fine, but not 12 – that would really send me off the edge), I switched to pumping so that he could still get all of the benefits but I would be tethered to a machine for 20 minutes and not to a baby for hours on end.  I realized that one of the big factors that was causing me problems was the feeling that my body still wasn’t mine – it belonged to Rex since I found out I was pregnant and it was still his even after he was born.  Stopping pumping let me get control of my body again letting me eat, drink, etc. whatever I wanted and it felt so good.  Rex got a good four weeks straight of breast milk which under the circumstances was the best I could do.

I also have talked with my OB and she has turned out to be a great resource for help and support.  I had my 5-week post-partum visit with her last Wednesday and she prescribed me progesterone cream to help and ordered blood work to test my thyroid and Vitamin D levels.  Both could be a potential aggravating factor.  The results should be in next week.

Perhaps the greatest help she gave me, though, was to tell me that I needed to go back to work sooner than I had planned.  And she is absolutely right.  I need that intellectual pursuit right now to help me feel more normal – because that is what is most difficult for me about this whole process. I don’t feel like myself yet.  But, getting back into things I did and enjoyed before I had Rex has really been helping me get back to that feeling of normal.  I really think that going back to work will help move this along. Rex will head into daycare at a wonderful facility on site at Mr. X’s office.  He will be well taken care of and I will be able to have the time and distraction that I need to be a better mother to him.

I don’t know when I will be free of my PPD, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  Still.

* Rex is the name I have chosen for our little one on this blog.  He truly is king in our household.

Rude Awakenings

What I am about to say will likely either resonate with you or really piss you off.  Either way, I have to say it:

Right now, I do not like being a mother.

This makes me feel terrible – not only because it seems as if I should love it from the beginning but also because I went through so much to get here.  I’m not a 16 year old who got knocked up by accident.  I pursued motherhood the way many people approach climbing Mt. Everest. How could I go through so much to get something and then not want it when I got it?

Unfortunately,  I never spent much time while we were trying to get and stay pregnant thinking about the details of what would happen if we actually had a child.  I mean, it just seemed so distant, so alien, so … not going to ever happen that I did not want to torture myself with thoughts of what we would do with an infant.  Then, once I was pregnant this last time and it looked like it was actually going to stick, I didn’t want to jinx myself by thinking about the future for fear that something terrible would happen.

So I was seriously unprepared for the utter shock and awe of the introduction of a newborn into the household.  I knew that there would be disruption and sleep deprivation, but I didn’t know that taking care of an infant day in and day out would be such a soul-sucking endeavor.  Because, right now I have a baby that does what any almost 4-week old does: eats, cries, sleeps, poops, pees, and repeats.  No smiles, no giggles, no cooing.  It’s just not in the developmental milestones yet.  Which means that I am a janitor, waitress, chef, and nanny all rolled into one with not even a little smile to break the monotony.

There is at least one moment, each day, when I want my old life back or when I fantasize about getting a full-time nanny to whom I can give him whenever he cries or when I want to sleep.  Whenever I get out of the house by myself, I feel as if I am on parole but still required to return to the prison after a few hours.  Everyone tells me that it will get better, but that was like telling me that I would eventually get pregnant when we were dealing with infertility – it did nothing to help me at the time. I’m also afraid that these feelings mean that my dad was right all along: I’m too selfish to be a mother because I do want my time, my sleep and my freedom, still.

That being said, I am slowly accepting that this is my new life.  And, I still look forward to those little milestones – longer sleep, the first smile, the first day we can put him in daycare.  I’m also trying to find some enjoyment in this period – I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t enjoy it more.

Choose Your Own Blog Adventure

Did you ever read those Choose Your Own Adventure books in middle school?  I did.  I couldn’t resist even though my parents didn’t consider them to be “good” reading – meaning reading that would help my language skills.  Unfortunately, the novelty wore off pretty quickly once I realized that they all had basically the same plot over and over and over again.  I also discovered Judy Blume’s more age-appropriate fare and moved on to Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret.

I thought of them the other day as I pondered – likely at a 2am feeding, I honestly don’t remember – what to do with this here blog.  I see two possible paths: if you want to continue writing on this blog, turn to page 4.  If you want to start a new blog, turn to page 8.

The thing is, I can’t decide.  Part of me wants to make a clean break, start fresh now that we have embarked on parenthood.  This blog was designed to document our infertility journey and for now, that journey is over.  Part of me thinks that it would be inappropriate to continue documenting our journey in parenthood on this blog.

On the other hand, this blog has meant a lot to me and to a lot of other people.  I wouldn’t delete it – it would stay up for all to see, but part of me cannot imagine not having this blog.

So, I’m putting it to a vote.  Help me decide what to do!

UPDATED: the ayes have it. I’m going to stick around here. Thanks for voting!