I have been wanting to write about motherhood, as it is after being finally gloriously obtained after so many trials and tribulations. Seriously wanting. And, I’ve had the time. Rex is in daycare (thankyou, thankyou, thankyou) and I am back at work part-time. Partial sanity has been regained. While, I’m still oozing with bloggy feelings, something has continued to stop me, specifically my former infertile and childless self. I would not have wanted to read what I want to write about. In fact, I would have un-subscribed from my blog tout suite after reading a few paragraphs and wouldn’t have come back for a while.
You see, I’m still struggling with this whole motherhood thing. I’m not feeling those thunderbolts of instant love that feature so prominently on A Baby Story. I don’t want to spend every waking moment with my baby and I certainly don’t want to keep him awake to play with him. In fact, I think he is most attractive when he’s sleeping. He is so peaceful … and so quiet. When he’s awake, I am still a little on edge, waiting for him to get fussy either because he’s hungry or bored (or, worse, both).
About this time, the guilt starts setting in. My Inner Infertile points out how much we wanted this child and how monumentally ungrateful I am being for having these thoughts in the first place. Then I think about those who read my blog who are still trying to have a child and how I would have felt when I was there reading this (not particularly thrilled). And, so I just couldn’t write anything.
The thing is, I remember so vividly when we were in the deepest darkest corners of infertility how much I would give up to have a baby and I feel just wretched that now I am so damn ambivalent about the whole thing. I feel like I have let down myself and all of the other girls who have struggled with infertility. I always thought that once I had a baby, it would be so much better and to now have that baby – who is by all measures an absolutely wonderful baby – and not feel as if I am the happiest woman in the world is an incredible shock.
In a way, I set myself up for this. I put so much emphasis on being ‘fixed’ once we had a child, that the baby would magically fill that gaping hole in my heart. And he has filled it somewhat, but not the level that I thought he would. Not yet, at least. So, I am left with a hole still, and what’s even worse is the sense that it should be full but I’m just too ungrateful, selfish, and plain awful to let Rex fill it.
It is getting better, though. Today, at lunch, he was smiling that whole mouth smile that just makes you smile too. It’s contagious, like a yawn. He’s started squealing, which we think is a prelude to laughing. He’s even had his first walk facing outward in the Bjorn because he can hold his head up. All of these are amazing milestones that seemed so distant not just a few weeks ago. The good thing about an infant is that they change so rapidly so fast that the status quo, if you don’t like it, will change and pretty quickly (although, you may still not like what it changes too).
Today, I also felt, for the first time since he was born, like I was happy. I was walking G with Rex in the Bjorn wearing this adorable hat and it just hit me. I’m happy. In this moment, I am happy. Perhaps there’s hope for me yet.