My first introduction to Motherhood was when she ran me over in the middle of the street with a Mack truck. I have the tire marks on my nursing bra to prove it. Our relationship did not improve after this, either. Motherhood flitted around me like Muhammad Ali, light on her feet and jabbing me in the ribs at the first sign of weakness. In other words, she was just a total bitch.
Those were dark times for me, people. Times when I’m certain that Mr. X tiptoed around me like I was Voldemort. Times when despite all outward appearances, I had a crazed gleam in my eye and could be goaded into either tears or anger at the drop of any object. Times when I was so wretchedly unhappy that I seriously considered going to sleep with the fishes.
I wanted to be happy, too. I wanted to be in love with my baby and wax poetic about how I loved being a mom, how naturally it came to me and how I knew that I was meant for this one role. I wanted to be BFFs with Motherhood, walk down the street arm-in-arm with a cooing, giggling baby. But, I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. And that made me feel even worse.
It continued to get worse in June and July, July in particular. I can’t say what about that month was so wretched, but I was just drained emotionally, physically, mentally by the end of it.
And then, almost all of a sudden, things changed. Motherhood and I reached a detente and more importantly…
I fell in love with my baby, this gorgeous creature, and it was and is wonderful. Finally, finally, I get to feel what I have wanted for so long. I love to hold him on my lap and just feel his solid weight on my stomach. I love to hear him laugh knowing that at least a few times, I was the one who made him laugh. I love how when I put him down to sleep at night he squawks, flips onto this stomach and falls blissfully asleep. I love it because I know that I had a hand in doing that – I gave him all the love and comfort that he needed to know that it was perfectly safe to just pass out for the night.
I feel that heart squeeze now when I look him and I’m just so thankful that I finally have this one final gift.