Thankful to Feel Thankful

I’m a little late for a thankful Thanksgiving post, but I was rather occupied over the holiday overeating and chasing after the now vigorously crawling Rex (“no, not the fireplace, Boo Boo!”).  And, I had a hard time summoning the blogging mojo after all was said and done.  But, I wanted to share with all of you lovelies who still indulge me.

I have so much to be thankful for, but you know what I am most thankful for?  I am most thankful that I can feel thankful.

Via Creative Commons by Kyle Steed

Because, there was a time not so long ago when thankful was the last thing I would have felt.  Overwhelmed, sad, tired, tired, trapped, anxious – these were all things I felt.  I was so afraid that I had made the biggest mistake of my life becoming a mother.  I didn’t recognize my life anymore and I longed for earlier days when life was boring and predictable and, yes even infertile, because at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with such constant uncertainty and upheaval.  Yeah, really.

I had no perspective on my life, no measure to determine if I was really foundering as much as I felt.  I thought I was a terrible mother to Rex.  Sure, I met his needs, but I wasn’t as much fun as daddy or as loving as his grandmother.  I was pretty certain that he didn’t like me very much and I realized that I agreed with him. I didn’t like me very much either. I could not see how Rex could love me since I didn’t see anything really worth loving.

I made a decision – I could continue down this road of being my own worst enemy or I could slowly begin to love me for me.  I took baby steps in the beginning – no more nasty thoughts about myself, no more worries about what other people thought about me.  In the end, I don’t have to live with them for the rest of my life, but I sure as shit have to live with myself, so why not get along with me?

And I began to feel such peace.  Peace with me, peace with my life.  I accept my life now, all of it.  I embrace it, warts and all.  I see the joy in it and I also see the mundane.  And both are ok.  And, I’m becoming friends with me.  I like myself more.  I put that nasty little voice in a box and sit on the lid. And at the end of each day, I sit back and go over my day thinking about the highlights – good hair day, wonderful moment with Rex, good conversation with Mr. X, delicious glass of wine, and savor those moments.  I congratulate myself on successfully navigating situations that would have earlier brought me nothing but angst.

And, I feel thankful. Thankful for my wonderful family, for this beautiful boy who I grew and nurtured and now get to watch every day interacting with the world. Thankful that I persevered through the dark times to get to this light.  Thankful that I made the conscious decision to be present.

5 thoughts on “Thankful to Feel Thankful

  1. I think if we are honest, most mothers would admit to this same struggle. Well, most I know. I’m sure that out there somewhere lurk women who slide gracefully through every stage of life, gracefully accepting the near total take over of life as you know it when children step on the scene. For myself the actual transition into motherhood wasn’t as rough as life now, 12 and a half years later. I’m up 3 kids and down one spouse. Working full time, finishing a degree, and raising the wild bunch leaves me feeling like I’m chasing a train that I’ll never catch. I admit to having daydreams of life as a singleton. Then there are the moments, THE moments. I hear my daughter singing in the shower, her lovely voice ringing through the house. My oldest son so lost in a puzzle entrances me right along with him. My baby boy climbs onto the couch to snuggle in beside me and I know I’m his safe place in a world of changes that often frustrate him beyond his understanding. These moments remind me that I’m so blessed, so lucky, so privileged just to know these little people. I too am thankful for my life.

  2. There will be many stages for which you are not at all thankful. I think the trick is to be most conscious of the wonderful things for which you can be thankful and let the other stuff slide away.

  3. I’m still working on these feelings. Today, for instance I am sitting near the fireplace with hubby and d. and I could not be more thankful for this day I have with them. I think when I look at my life with a broad stroke, I tend to focus on what I don’t have. I am finding I am my happiest living in the moment and this year I learned to do that.

    You have come so far in the years I’ve known you in this place. It seems strange to say but I am thankful for knowing and growing with you. xo

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