I’m a little late for a thankful Thanksgiving post, but I was rather occupied over the holiday overeating and chasing after the now vigorously crawling Rex (“no, not the fireplace, Boo Boo!”). And, I had a hard time summoning the blogging mojo after all was said and done. But, I wanted to share with all of you lovelies who still indulge me.
I have so much to be thankful for, but you know what I am most thankful for? I am most thankful that I can feel thankful.
Because, there was a time not so long ago when thankful was the last thing I would have felt. Overwhelmed, sad, tired, tired, trapped, anxious – these were all things I felt. I was so afraid that I had made the biggest mistake of my life becoming a mother. I didn’t recognize my life anymore and I longed for earlier days when life was boring and predictable and, yes even infertile, because at least then I wouldn’t have to deal with such constant uncertainty and upheaval. Yeah, really.
I had no perspective on my life, no measure to determine if I was really foundering as much as I felt. I thought I was a terrible mother to Rex. Sure, I met his needs, but I wasn’t as much fun as daddy or as loving as his grandmother. I was pretty certain that he didn’t like me very much and I realized that I agreed with him. I didn’t like me very much either. I could not see how Rex could love me since I didn’t see anything really worth loving.
I made a decision – I could continue down this road of being my own worst enemy or I could slowly begin to love me for me. I took baby steps in the beginning – no more nasty thoughts about myself, no more worries about what other people thought about me. In the end, I don’t have to live with them for the rest of my life, but I sure as shit have to live with myself, so why not get along with me?
And I began to feel such peace. Peace with me, peace with my life. I accept my life now, all of it. I embrace it, warts and all. I see the joy in it and I also see the mundane. And both are ok. And, I’m becoming friends with me. I like myself more. I put that nasty little voice in a box and sit on the lid. And at the end of each day, I sit back and go over my day thinking about the highlights – good hair day, wonderful moment with Rex, good conversation with Mr. X, delicious glass of wine, and savor those moments. I congratulate myself on successfully navigating situations that would have earlier brought me nothing but angst.
And, I feel thankful. Thankful for my wonderful family, for this beautiful boy who I grew and nurtured and now get to watch every day interacting with the world. Thankful that I persevered through the dark times to get to this light. Thankful that I made the conscious decision to be present.