That Same Old Feeling Again

I really thought I had left my bitter infertile lady days behind me.  I beat infertility to have the most gorgeous, amazing child about whom there are not enough adjectives to describe his awesomeness.  I kicked IF’s ass after a long, drawn out battle on multiple fronts.  I won.

So, why was I pissed off to learn that our neighbor is pregnant again? Or my sister-in-law?  Or random celebrities?  It’s because I know at least with my sister-in-law and neighbor that they just decided to have another one and poof!  No IVFs, no beta following, no waiting for shoes to drop, no miscarriages – in other words, the complete opposite of my experience with pregnancy.  They got and get to have again the happy, ignorant experience that I don’t think I’ll be able to experience.  And, it makes me angry.

The problem is that it has always made me angry.  I initially thought having Rex would fix this, but it only temporarily buried it.  It’s back now and showing no signs of going away.  Part of the problem has always been that I feel like I need an explanation for why infertility and repeat losses struck me, not them.  And, I’ve never been able to come up with one.

Have you?

7 thoughts on “That Same Old Feeling Again

  1. No. There’s really no explanation…and I tend to direct my rage at people who think there IS a reason (i.e., people who have never suffered these things, and think that there is a reason that reflects their deserving-ness and my lack thereof). But the magnitude of that rage is probably really a product of the fact that, at bottom, I either (a) actually agree with them and think that I am here because I am being punished or (b) fundamentally don’t understand why I’ve had to suffer through this, and am super-angry about the absurdity. Of course, all of this accompanies the fact that I KNOW there are other people who have it way, way worse. I’m not dying (that I know of). I should be grateful for what I DO have, but the injustice that affects me directly is so hard to look away from…

    And yeah, it’s the “innocence” that kills. The trust. The unadulterated joy. On this side of the fence, there is no such thing.

    • Misfit, bless you for writing so eloquently what I was trying to put into words. This is exactly what I am feeling and while I’m sorry that you have to feel it too, I’m very happy to know that I’m not alone.

  2. You have described how I feel to a “T”. Even though I finally have a beautiful baby girl, I still get upset/annoyed when other people get pregnant so easily. It makes me feel like a horrible person, nd I never talk about it.

  3. I’ve been waiting for this same feeling to subside, for years now. I surprise myself sometimes.. It actually triggers intense rage in me, and that is not part of my everyday personality. I always thought that “not beating infertility” was my problem, but the more I learn, I know better. Wouldn’t have mattered a hill of beans if any of my treatment worked. I’d still be a bitter b!tch.

    Lately, I’ve been thinking, well, I’m part of the bad stats that maybe will help someone else land on the good side of stats. It works, for awhile, or until someone posts a baby bump picture online or on Facebook with some lame, cavalier comment that totally makes them sound like an ungrateful idiot .. Then I am just bitter again. 😉

  4. yep. i had an easier path than many, and i still feel that way. (and let’s not get into how i feel about people with easy labors and trouble-free breastfeeding, either, despite the fact that i supposedly “triumphed” over adversity in those situations, too.)

  5. No, I have not been able to come up with a reason or understanding why I was hit with infertility. The only explanation I have is that life is not fair and everyone has trouble or challenges in their lives. Despite that, I still completely understand where you’re coming from. I feel jealous (and a little sad for myself) when I hear about other people getting pregnant so quickly or easily. As an interesting side note, when I was going through infertility, I never thought “why me?” Thank you for a great post.

  6. Just rereading my comment, and I think some of it was left out. Going through infertility, I didn’t think “why me?” I just thought “this really sucks.” However, when I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and I totally went the “why me???” route! I thought “I exercise, I’m not overweight, what did I do to deserve this?” I was totally pissed off. However, when I do get worked up or feel a little jealous about other people’s ease in getting pregnant, I just focus all my attention on my little guy and thank my lucky stars that it worked out and I wound up with such a wonderful son.

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