Ever since I posted about my re-emerging battle with the impotent rage of unfairness and reading the thoughtful and wonderful comments that were left by you, dear readers, I have been giving more thought to the question of why the why still bothers me so.
It is an eternal question, one that I have fought with before. I’ve read numerous articles about bad things happening to good people. I’ve heard the, “don’t ask ‘why me’, ask ‘why not me’?” and I still don’t really understand what that has to do with the price of grief these days. None of these things really helped me get a final answer – they just gave a short lived high of compassion and understanding.
Of course, this is because no article can tell me about why I feel the way that I do. They can suggest reasons or solutions, wrap them up in helpful bullet-point lists with uplifting words and uses of exclamation marks. They cannot substitute for me doing the necessary mental gymnastics of really sitting down with myself and having a conversation. Which I have finally done. Here’s the transcript.
Me: Why does this continue to bother you?
Me: I can’t think about it without feeling that it is all terribly unfair.
Me: You sound like you’re whining. Life isn’t fair, right?
Me: Of course I’m whining. Perceived lack of fairness is one of my greatest pet peeves. To me, the “life isn’t fair” screed only applies to the little things like parking spaces, bad hair days and a genetic predisposition to thighs that rub together. It shouldn’t apply to the big things in life, especially when I’ve been taught so often that I can accomplish anything.
Me: So how is it unfair, though?
Me: Because I can’t for the life of me figure out what makes them so special that they get to be normal and happy and ignorant and I get infertility and miscarriages and dread. I think it’s the part where they get to act like getting pregnant without help and then have the baby like it’s all normal and good that drives me crazy the most.
Me: That’s because it is normal to them. It’s normal to most people in the world. You’ve been graced, for whatever, reason with the unnormal version and get to obsess over your inclusion in this illustrious group for the whole world to read.
Me: And, it’s my inclusion in this group that I cannot explain. I can’t explain it going backwards looking at my past misdeeds, I can’t explain it now and I probably won’t be able to explain it going forward. And I want an explanation because I can’t stand thinking that it is just random or bad luck.
Me: You’re going to need to work on that because unless you become omniscient, you’re never going to know why it happened to you. And, I would like to posit that maybe that’s ok. Maybe it doesn’t make you a lesser person than those ladies, maybe it doesn’t make them luckier or more blessed. Maybe it just is.
Me: Damn, damn, damn. That is way too esoteric for me.