So, Um, Yeah

I’m trying to avoid thinking about the Giant Elephant in my corner of the Internets.  You know, that thing that starts with a number and whose ending rhymes with ‘hate’ (how appropos).  You would think that since this is my 8th one (not counting the other pointless ones where I didn’t know if I ovulated and later learned that it didn’t matter because with my tubes blocked, no egg of mine was going to meet any sperm unless it was in a petri dish) I would have gotten used to it.  This isn’t really something you get used to as much as something you tolerate.

image: wendypants

I won’t lie and say that I’m blissfully ignorant of the tweakings and twitchings of my nether regions.  But rather than just register them and forget them in the space of one second (oh, was that my ovary?) like I do during non-major months, each is now followed by a furious round of The Is-It-or-Isn’t-It-Something-That-Is-Of-Any-Consequence-Whatsoever-Game.  And of course, I can’t stop because this is The Big One: the first time since my last miscarriage that we have a real shot at producing a squalling infant who will hopefully not inherit my nose.  Sometimes, I even allow it to escalate into thoughts of This Just Might Work.

And, then, I try to talk myself down from the ledge.  Hilarity ensues. 

I also can’t be blissfully ignorant that I am in That Period Which Must Not Be Named because I have to pretend as if I am pregnant.  So, it would seem that my attempt to stick my fingers in my ears and chant “la la la la” all day is not going to work.  After two false starts out of the gate where what I ate in the end had nothing to do with how things turned out – I could have drank like a fish both times and still had the same result – it now seems almost like this grotesque charade – no wine, no cheese, no caffeine, no baths, no eating dirt (didn’t do that one anyway), no exercise.

But, do it, I will, if there is even a small chance that I will have a live infant(s) in my arms nine months from now.  I still want it.

10 thoughts on “So, Um, Yeah

  1. Big elephant in my house too.

    I’m still new at this, so it was only after I had eaten a deli- meat wrap the end of last week that I thought “maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that.” I’m hoping that and my daily caffeine fix of one 8oz can of Mountain Dew won’t cause any problems. Guess I know what else I’ll be cutting from my diet if this round fails.

  2. I would take a hundred needles if I could skip this part of it. If only I could know right away instead of the torture of that time which will not be named. Hang in there. Wishing you lots of luck.

  3. I hope the next (some number) of days strung together goes by quickly for you. If all else fails, treat yourself to your favorite foods if you can. (me a comfort eater, nahhhh…)

  4. Here’s bad advice from a bad girl: With the exception of booze and baths, I’ve done all of the above. Will it matter? Frankly, there’s no hard evidence, and with the poking and prodding them scientist folks have done in this area, I think you can have a cup of coffee or green tea (research shows that it takes the equivalent of 2-3 cups of strong coffee daily to influence m/c; I can’t recall the exact number of mgs of caf), eat a touch of bree if it beckons you irresistibly, go for a nice moderate walk/swim/low impact workout with a clear conscience. I’d say stay away from the street drugs and the marathon and the bungie jumping, and you’ll be fine.

    But what do I know? You’ve got to do what makes you feel sane, and if avoiding the aforementioned is the best way, you’ve got to go with that. It just makes life so grim and narrow and small to be all orthodox about this crap, esp. when no one has proven these misery-inducing sacrifices help at all. It makes me feel like I’m shutting myself off from my life and putting everything on hold for a (somewhat) long shot. And that’s even more depressing to me than IF in general.

    Just my unsolicited and likely annoying two cents. I’m with you on this cycle and hoping it’s the one you’ve been waiting for.

  5. This is the first thing that came to mind when reading your blog:

    Think of the presents you’ve brought
    Any merry little thought
    Think of Christmas, think of snow
    Think of sleigh bells Here we go!
    Like a reindeer in the sky
    You can fly! You can fly!
    You can fly! You can fly!

    Since Peter Pan probably isn’t gonna lose his shadow in your room and I have no experience to share all I can say is I’m thinking about you and hoping and praying for the best.

  6. Wow, sorry I’m late in catching up with your posts … this is all so exciting! I think that no matter how many procedures any of us have had, there will always be that hopeful little elephant dancing around the living room. Best of luck ignoring it, but if you have to break down and scratch behind its ears, I’m sure the gods of good luck won’t mind.

    Will be thinking all positive thoughts for you!

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