Of Course.

My next door neighbor suffers from a bad case of verbal diarrhea.  She has that special knack for asking and saying the absolute wrong things at the wrong times.  Way back in February, when I was fresh from my first full IVF and in the two week wait, she decided to share with me that the neighbors down the street, were going to start ‘trying’ in March.  Why she felt the need to tell me this, I don’t know.  Even then, when I was fresh from a transfer with three beautiful blasts, it took the wind out of my sails. I remembered all over again when we decided to start trying and it was so exciting and it was only going to be a matter of time before we were planning for a new arrival.  Um, no. Didn’t happen that way.  And, I just knew somehow that they were not going to have any problems.

Fate has proven me right.  Darned if she’s not about 5 months pregnant which would put them at the success on just the second month of trying.  I had heard from her husband that she was pregnant, but I didn’t ask for any details.  It wasn’t until this evening that I saw the extent of their success. 

I can’t help but wonder since my neighbor felt no qualms about telling me – who does not know this woman from Eve – the impending plans for her uterus, if she has also shared our story with this woman.  I have a feeling that she did in low conspiratorial whispery tones, after hearing that they were successful right out of the gate.

“Oh, I’m so glad that you guys got pregnant! My poor next door neighbor is just having an awful time and I would hate to see you have to go through all of what she’s gone through.  I think they’ve been trying for years.  And, she had a miscarriage, too.  They even did IVF.”  Quel horreur. 

I’m not the Cautionary Whale. I’m the Cautionary Snail. 

And, I bet she thanked her lucky stars that things worked the way they were supposed to, in the time allotted and she doesn’t have to deal with the ignomity of bitterness and jealousy that is infertility.  I bet they’ve already found out the sex, picked out the name and had the nursery finished.  All that is required now is to prepare the birth plan and pick just the right hospital for the blessed event that will bring the bundle who will be perfect in every way and fulfill all of her dreams. Or something like that.

They were out walking their dogs this evening and there she was in full pregnant glory with a white shirt straining over her belly, all the better to show the size.  Part of me wanted to see a smug little smile on her face as she saw me, the Infertile Girl, so that I could be angry at her for being cruel. 

I can choose not to be bitter. I can choose to accept that the universe is not punishing me nor is it rewarding her.  I can choose not to be angry and sad.  But, frankly, right now I don’t want to.  I want to be bitter because it feels right.  I want to be angry because I still think this sucks.  And, most of all, I want her to know just how amazingly lucky she is because she is the exception, not the rule. 

image: elycefeliz

8 thoughts on “Of Course.

  1. God, it’s all so painful. They have no idea. None. I’m sorry you are living through this pain. If it helps, we are with you. I feel like my face is in a permanent state of pain… always waiting for a “slap” to come around the next corner.

    I hate this. For all of us.

    Mrs. X: It does help to know that there are other women out there who understand. It seems as though the people you see on any given day don’t. Thanks.

  2. oh mrs. x, i know exactly where you are coming from.

    we were invited to a baby shower last week by a family friend who “accidentally” got pregnant. she was unmarried at the time, but now she’s newly a mrs. and due on christmas day. i refuse to attend even though it’s going to cause a TON of questions. thank god we already have plans (legitimate ones, not made up ones).

    i am so sick and tired of all of these women that just think of getting pregnant and then magically become so.

    i’m going to have another glass of wine so i can enjoy my barren bitterness.

    Mrs. X: It is incredibly demoralizing to see so many people get what we want so easily and by accident. You want to ask what you did or didn’t do to get this particular hand.

  3. Sometimes I wonder if this is why it took us 2 1/2 years to get pregnant with BabyGirl…so that I would never ever take it for granted. I’ve never taken a single pregnancy for granted because I’ve seen the heart break of IF in the eyes of people I love & because, once upon a time, I was sure it was a road we were heading down.

    To this day if anyone gets pregnant easily I want to shake them & say, “Know how lucky you are!”

    Mrs. X: I would hate to think that anyone would have to go through the waiting but, it does have its gifts, like the gift of knowing just how fortunate anyone is to have a successful pregnancy.

  4. Geez this journey sucks. I love posts like this because it reminds us that all these feelings are “normal”. I know exactly what you mean and no matter what people might misconstrue it as.

    Mrs. X: they are indeed normal, although there is still a part of me that rebels and thinks that they are inappropriate. That part is usually beaten down by the rest of me.

  5. One good thing about living in a neighborhood where almost everyone else is retired…no other neighbors are getting pregnant without having to think about it. And since kids/babies aren’t around so much, it’s not a question that gets raised very often.

    I can’t imagine having to deal with neighbors like that. Grrr.

    Mrs. X: I envy you. We live in an area that you basically must have children or be considered weird. It’s tough.

  6. I just found out out that an ex-coworker, who started trying one month before us, gave birth late last week to her SECOND child. I thought I was coping pretty well until that smacked me in the face. I’ll be angry with you.

    Mrs. X: Ouch. Just ouch.

  7. Ah, maybe she’ll end up with a nasty little shit of a kid.

    It always sucks to see people blithely sailing through the seas that have been so rocky for so many of us.

    Mrs. X: It does suck to see others sailing through, but at the same time, I’d much rather be jaded now, than later.

  8. It’s okay to be bitter. And angry. And sad. Anyone that’s experienced any IF can attest to that.

    It just sucks how these things can knock the wind out of our sails at any given moment.

    Hugs, Mrs. X.

    Mrs. X: I really appreciate the reminder that I’m not alone having these feelings. Thanks.

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