Yesterday, I sat down at my desk and turned the page in my monthly calendar to start June. I love turning the page to see the clean pages that haven’t had drinks spilled on them or scribblings filling up the days.
This June, however, has grown a page: my IVF calendar. I stuck it in the folds of June so that I wouldn’t lose it but I also wouldn’t constantly be reminded in May of what was coming up.
June is now upon us and the IVF calendar is looking hopeful that it won’t have to be stuck in the dark for 30 more days. It’s been saying to me, “Time to gear up for IVF! Aren’t you excited?! I’m excited! I even say, ‘Think positive!’ Isn’t that awesome!?”
I’m saying to it, “Chill, buddy. Keep your caps on for a little while longer. You don’t even begin until next week so why don’t you just go hang out with the other important documents in my filing cabinet where you can continue to stay clean and dry?”
Truth be told, I’ve reached that point in my infertility treatment journey that the beginning of a new IVF is neither exciting nor terrifying. It just is. I try not to think about the enormity of the entire thing, but compartmentalize it into the various sections: suppression, stimulation, retrieval and beyond. It’s like eating a steak – you start at one end and bite by bite you make a dent. I also take it like recovery – one day at a time. If I start thinking down the road, the thoughts snowball into a giant ball of expectations that starts to chase me like Indiana Jones after he steals the gold idol. Unlike him, I tend to get flattened most everytime. I finally learned to turn off the thoughts of After This IVF and channel them into more immediate, and usually frivolous pursuits, such as contemplating what I am going to wear the next day. It’s more a manfiestation of my need to plan (which is code for need to be a control freak) than a desire to really day dream about this time maybe it actually working. I’d much rather expend that time and effort into something that I can control and still makes me happy.
For now, the birth control pills are still winding down, the medicine is chilling like a fine wine in the fridge and I’ve set my baseline appointment for some not too soon, but not to far away date. And, for now, I’m very content to know that neither tomorrow nor even the next day will see me taking out that IVF calendar. Sorry, buddy. You are going to have to be in the dark a little while longer.