So Not Much to Say

edward-hopper-morning-sunFour Weddings and a Funeral has been on a lot recently and I have had flashbacks to high school swooning over Hugh Grant.  For the life of me, I cannot understand what I saw in him back then, with those silly glasses and that scrawny little frame of his. I need meat on my man, and he was positively anorexic in that movie.  Still, he was so … earnest.  Anyway, one of my favorite lines in the movie was uttered by Gareth (the gargantuan gay man who ended up being the subject of the lone funeral). He opined that the only reason people got married was to have something to talk about, after they had run out of all other topics of conversation. 

Sometimes, I feel that the opposite is true for Mr. X and I when it comes to this pregnancy.  We hardly mention it except in terms of, “if things are still looking good, we can go do ____” or “how is your nausea today?”.  I have absolutely no problem not mentioning it in polite conversation or even not thinking about it for long stretches of time.  Why? A big fat shout out to those of you who guessed Self-Preservation!  As I have detailed ad nauseum (no pun intended) here, I just can’t get too invested yet because there is still that chance, however small, that it can all end.

I was confronted with this problem today when I got an email from my dad.  It was so wonderfully supportive, letting me that he was thinking of us all during this time and that he specifically was sending good thoughts to the baby.  I wanted to think that he was referring to the dog or one of the kitties, but I knew this wasn’t the case when he specifically mentioned them later.  I wanted to blur out the word – I can’t bear to make that connection yet and it pained me to even have to think about it.  There is no baby yet for me. There is a pregnancy and this is what has allowed me to stay sane while navigating these treacherous waters where we sank twice before. I’ve only been able to string the words, “I” “am” and “pregnant” into a sentence twice since we found out. Obviously, I am not ready to make the leap to the ‘b’ word.

This of course, takes a huge topic of conversation out of circulation, but that is fine with me.  I know that talking about it, even remotely with optimism would cause little suspicious synapses to start firing in the old noggin causing more anxiety than a trip to the bathroom.  Instead we talk about our upcoming vacation to the northeast, the dreadful two days we spent without air conditioning before the system was fixed, work and weekend plans.  Or, we just sit in a companionable silence.   And that is just fine with me.

* * * * * *

Edward HopperThere is one topic that we have been discussing that is somewhat related – my depression.  It has gotten better, mainly because I finally admitted to myself why I was in such a funk.  I had apparently made the executive decision not to allow myself to look forward to anything lest I suffer the pain of disappointment, during this time when disappointment can be at its peak.  I mentioned this to Mr. X and gently asked if it was okay for me to look forward to some things (like a weekend or a good book) and he wholeheartedly agreed.  Once I made that connection, I was able to begin to see some light.  I haven’t completely climbed out of the trench, but I’m slowly getting there.

8 thoughts on “So Not Much to Say

  1. I’m glad to hear from you, and hear that you’re coping. Laying low seems like the best option, and no need to think “b.” yet, if you’re not ready.

    I hope you get that nice weekend, and that good book, and that you feel well emotionally and physically. I am a broken record, but I do think it will get easier with time. But don’t worry about that yet…

    Huge hugs.

  2. it’s funny that you mention “four weddings” in your post. it was on one of our movie networks recently and i re-watched it for the first time in years and mr. jb saw it for the first time. i, too, have a crush on hugh grant. i don’t know what it is about the guy. it’s not like he has a ton of talent. he just plays himself in all of his movies, but there’s just something about the guy. i do have a “thing” for the lanky geek which is funny since i married the big, burly pseudo-jock!

    i can totally appreciate being cautious in the stage of the game. i cannot imagine having suffered two losses, being able to ignore your doubts. self-preservation is a good thing. for goodness sake, pre-surgery i had contingency plans — if the surgeon had bad news for us it meant that i could get a dog ASAP. lucky for my husband we don’t have to entertain that!

    be gentle with yourself. depression, with or without infertility, is tough enough. taking little steps are important, just remember to acknowledge it to yourself!

  3. I totally hear you, right there with you. I couldn’t have said it better. Planning small victories is a wonderful way to start climbing back to safety, I think. Everyone needs to be able to look forward to something, doesn’t have to be anything big. Just things you’re comfortable with that make you happy. Here’s to your trench getting a little shallower all the time.

    Sending hugs and good thoughts your way!

  4. I just love all the artwork you post on your blog.
    Though you can’t see it now, the woman’s dress on your blog topper is what caught my eye to read your story.

    The current Hopper images are the perfect addition to today’s entry.

    Hope you have a wonderful WEEKEND!

  5. I am glad that you’ve started to see the light about your feelings…and I still catch myself doing a happy dance on your behalf…no matter how cautiously it may be.

    I’m praying for you and Mr. X as this journey continues…

  6. I went through most of my pregnancy feeling this way. It was a fearful time, and having her go to the NICU when she was born 3 months early I still couldn’t let myself be joyful. It took a long time to get use to the idea of being a mother. IF steals that from you and I still hate it. I am sending you good thoughts.

  7. I know looking forward to other things (especially things that either are definitely going to happen, or that don’t need to happen for me to enjoy them in my head) keeps this IFer sane and I am NOT pregnant. So it sounds like a good plan to me!

    Hugh Grant is a conundrum. Any man who could throw away a marriage to Elizabeth Hurley has to be certifiably insane.

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